Slow Going

Monday morning after a long holiday is always hard to come back to. Of course, if I was self-employed I wouldn't have this problem. I probably wouldn't have to scrape ice off of the damned windshield either. Hopefully, in 2010, my Etsy store will take off and I'll be on my way to self-employment in no time. (power of positive thinking)

How was your holiday? Mine turned out to be much better than expected. I spent the night at Mom's house on Christmas Eve and we watched A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott. That's the best one, in my opinion. I couldn't watch it without comparing it to the Muppets version though. We managed not to get into a fight, mainly because I was able to hold my tongue. I didn't have to deal with her "other family" either.

After Mom's house, I went to visit Dad. I was sure that, by two in the afternoon, he'd be completely sloshed. I was dreading it all the way there. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was more sober than I'd seen him in a long time. Granted, he was still downing whiskey like water, but I guess he started later than usual. We ate lunch/dinner and opened packages from the rest of my family. I felt a little bad for not giving my dad more presents. But, I'm broke and men are hard to buy for.

I've got to endure only three days this week, and then I'm off for another four!

Muddled In Hell

Agh. I've got to get my head straight. There's so much clutter and garbage blocking my flow of chi, or whatever. There are so many ideas that I'm ultra excited about, but it's like I'm running in several different directions at once. If the voices in my head would just get in line and take turns yammering at me instead of all clamboring at once for my attention, it would help. Effing voices. Christ, can you believe this is me without the methamphetamines?!

I have returned from my trip to NY; the second trip this year. The weather was remarkably fair compared to what it could have been. The worst we got was a bit of rainy drizzle. Much better than the weather that burried everything in snow at home. Once again, I was a bit disappointed with my city experience. I am always thinking it's going to be like the once time I went and had loads of fun. But, it's getting to be more and more of a letdown each time. I blame that on lack of planning on my part and tragic lack of companionship, but not on the city itself. I met my cousin's roommate, who was impressive and just a tad bit charming. Why aren't there guys in this state like that? Why do all the men in my hometown suck? Fuck this place.

My family is another story entirely. They're so great to be around for about three days and then it's just fucking irritating. Everyone's always griping at each other, just like my fucking childhood. Uh. Holidays bite hard.

So, here's basically what I did in New York:

went to a NY Islanders game (that's hockey)
went to a comedy club
learned how to crochet
finally went to MoCCA
had 2 knishes to make up for not having one last time
went to a friends-of-the-family party
chatted with (i.e. endured) my remaining kin
rode the subway by myself
went to Brooklyn
got a bunch of cool presents
had some good Italian food
experienced the Heaven-on-Earth of a real Italian pastry shop
went to the beach to hunt shells

During the first half of the trip, you couldn't wrestle the camera out of my hands. The second half, I was so jaded by everything that I took no pictures at all. And my cousin? Well, I only got to see him for about one extremely depressing hour. There may be pictures forthcoming, but I can't promise anything.

So, I'm still getting into the swing of the new year and being back at home and work. I missed my kitties terribly though and I'm happy to have their furry faces to stroke again. But, like I said, there's so much I want to get into, but can't seem to decide on anything. It would be perfect if I was quadruplets.

Why The Hell Not?

So, last night went okay. I do still have a few suspicions, but found the experience agreeable for the most part. The food at Earl's was really good. I wonder what their other vegetarian option tastes like. I made sure to order the most expensive drink I could get away with. Neko loves her vodka martinis. I didn't see the guy's car, but he said it's a blue Honda convertable.

Today at lunchtime, we are meeting again. This time, it will be at a coffee shop on Curtis, where it crosses the mall. We are going to go to his office after coffee, which he says is a couple of blocks away. So, we'll see how it goes. If I don't come back from lunch, someone here will notice and freak out. Like I said before, nothing should go wrong, but you never know.

In even stranger news, my cousin called me last night from NYC. He says that he's moving to my city in a couple of weeks. My cousin's behavior and lifestyle is somewhat erratic in the first place, so I never know if his plans will come to fruition or if he will go in another direction. But, he says that he's coming here to live with a friend and get help. He asked if it was okay. I told him that I would love to have him live here! The two of us are very close - despite the actual physical distance. I think we are two halves of the same soul (if you believe in that sort of thing). Anyway, it will be good for him to get out of the city and get the help he needs. It will be good for me to have him around.

My Family Is From Hell

I've always hated the bullshit between my father and my mother. Ever since I was little, I can remember them not getting along. It's not that they yelled at each other or that one was physically abusive to another. I remember once, distinctly, my father had tried the pick out the perfect necklaces. One of them was silver strands with turquoise beads. He had bought them for their anniversary, wrapped up nicely. I was still in elementary school (so you know, that was a long time ago). She was standing in the kitchen, at the sink, probably smoking a cigarette. My father came up behind her to give her a hug. As he wrapped his arms around her, she shrugged him off. She never opened the presents he gave her. Later, I opened them and they became mine. Later still, they were lost in "The Great Tragedy of San Diego". But the reason I remember so distinctly this moment, is that I felt deeply hurt by my mother's actions. Here he had tried so hard to find something nice for her, and she didn't even open the gift wrap.

Flash forward to the present date. Now that my brother is gone, they're still fighting over stupid shit. Number one gripe on the list is the lack of compromise on a resting spot for my brother's remains. I want to be able to visit him on his birthday, which is the 16th of this month. Every place my dad and I like, my mom hates. Every place that we hate, she seems to favor. It's petty and it's stupid and I'm pissed off because I'm caught in the middle.

I was always caught in the middle. When my mom was having her affair, she used to make me cover for her. She and my father both were pissed off at me when I accidentally spilled the beans and told my dad that we were living with the asshole she now calls "husband".

Tonight, my mother came to the house to look through my brother's things. She callously pointed out, "This is mine, and that is mine..and that lamp belongs to me." On the way out the door, she took a rust colored, knit blanket that has been in this house for over 10 years. It's my cat Toby's favorite blanket, because he thinks he's a ninja when he sits on it. We've been using it to cover up during winter movie nights for years. So, my mother comes along and claims that it's a blanket her friend made for her way back when. I tried to coax her into leaving it where it was.

As she scrambled out the door, my father caught sight of it. He looked at me with a question mark on his face. Now, he's so outraged that she took that blanket that he couldn't even dial the phone to call my grandmother and confirm that it was her creation. He's pissed. He's swearing. And that old, ancient guilt creeps up inside me. "I tried to convince her to leave it" I pleaded with my dad. He rants about how he never should have taken his eyes off of her and how isn't it just like the bitch? I knew there would be conflict the minute she stepped in the door with her second husband and her grandchild right behind her.

I'm pissed at my mother. Her husband and grandchild have no business being in this house. She had no business trying to collect dusty and imagined debts. My father let her in here in good faith and she betrayed it. Just like when he tried to give her that jewelry she never opened.

I'm pissed at my father too. It's a blanket. Sure, it's one we all liked and one my grandmother probably did make. But, it's a blanket nonetheless. It certainly isn't something to give yourself a coronary over. Fucking parents. When this thing with my brother's ashes is over, I hope they never speak to each other again. Hell, the way things are going, I might move out and not speak to either of them myself.

I'm so damn sick of this shit.