Little Bits of Hell

Geez. I wish someone would give me some Candy Cane Cocoa. It seems to only be given to people who don't appreciate it. A few years ago, I gave my mother a whole tin of it. I saw it in her cabinet the other day. I wonder if she even tried it. My co-worker and new friend brought in some packets of it for the community give-away table yesterday morning. C'mon people! Who wouldn't adore a steamy cup of hot chocolate with little bits of real candy cane mixed in? Crazy (shaking head)...just plain crazy.

Things Can Grow In Hell

This is what my Amaryllis looked like when I came back from the long New Years' weekend. I was agog at how much it grew!! Of course, I had to edit the picture a bit to block out certain office info, and I did a sloppy job of it, but it's early and I haven't had coffee yet.

In other news, I had another enormous fight with my alcoholic father last week. In all my 32 miserable years of living, he has never used the tone of voice that he used with me that night. It scared me. I actually felt threatened - and I've never been scared of Dad. So, I left his house in tears and this most recent past Wednesday, I moved all of my things out. Effectively, I'm homeless for the time being. Life, as usual, sucks. And I haven't even mentioned the fiasco with my cousin yet. Fuck.

Pictures From the Pit of Hell

Ugh. Have I always been this hateful? Every morning, I despise everyone I see to the point that my stomach churns. Waking up every day has gotten to be like the pain of birth - from the child's perspective, not the mother's. Have you ever stopped to think what a traumatic experience being born must have been? And yet, none of us remembers it. Maybe we're all blocking it out. Fucking torture anyway.

So, yesterday I went to get a salad and had a detestable experience waiting in line. I've got to figure out how I can live my life with the most minimal contact with other humans as possible. On the other hand, maybe it's just this city or just this country that sucks. I still hold out hope for the rest of the world. America is going to crash and burn and we all deserve it. Oh, wait...there was a point....yeah, the purse. I managed to snap, at the end of my long wait in line, a shot of another hideous handbag It isn't loaded with shiny buckles and formed out of animal skin, but it's gross nonetheless. Behold, in all it's horror:



And did I tell you about the guy on the bus a couple of weeks ago? Oh man. It was all I could do not to laugh hysterically. Let this be a lesson to everyone out there to embrace their true body size and shop accordingly (or at least dress accordingly):



Did you pee just a little? I did. Freakin' hilarious! I feel a little better now.

What the Hell Is That?!

Look at what my co-workers gave me for the holidays:



It's a Red Lion Amaryllis plant! It came in a nice little box with a pot and some soil to plant the bulb in. As you can see, the pot's not nearly big enough. When it grows up, it should look something like this:



It's funny that my fellow employees should get me a plant as a gift. I mean, sure, I have more plants at my desk than anyone else in the office. However, I'm really terrible at caring for them! The ones I have are all orphaned and I adopted them from eminent disposal.

In other news, the holidays suck (as always), it's freezing outside (and in here too!), I think I'm coming down with a cold, and my mom's mom will probably die on Christmas day. ....and you wonder why I haven't posted in a while...

Oh Hell, You Di'nt!

I can't believe I haven't posted since that ridiculous crush on my stupid boss (Well, he's not really stupid, but anyway). I am so over that...ish. Life has been a crushing weight lately though. I got into a huge fight with my alcoholic father over the weekend. So bad that I left the house in tears and went apartment shopping the very next day. I'm waiting to hear back about the place. How long does it take to do a damn credit check?! Bastards. Keeping me in suspense. grumble. grumble.

To cheer myself up, I thought I'd post some more horrible fashion blunders! Yay!
This morning, I saw this guy:



I first noticed him because he had a little bird tattoo on his hand. Then, I started looking at his crotch. Poor guy must be lacking some equipment because I couldn't see so much as a ruffle in that area. And THEN I noticed that he's got mad VPL going on (follow the gun). I didn't think guys could have visible panty lines (I'm calling them Manty lines)! Hee hee. Let that be a lesson to all the Hot Topic Emo fellas out there - if you're going to wear tight pants, skip the boxers! Sadly, that's probably going to be the highlight of my day.

Some time ago, I was out for pizza with Mom when I ran into this monstrosity:



What is the deal with women and their gia-normous purses these days? Not only are these things large, they're normally some type of imitation animal hide and covered with chrome buckles and plates. What an eyesore, not to mention you could probably fit a body in there...

Neko Remembers Why Hell is a Bad Place

SEEMINGLY OFF-HAND COMMENT FOUND GUILTY OF ASSAULT

Early Thursday morning a seemingly off-hand comment made by one Mr. Crane performed a shocking assault on one innocent crush. Authorities say that the incident began as a topping survey in preparation for an office pizza. The conversation, centering on suitable vegetables, quickly escalated from olives to martinis. Neko, caretaker of the innocent crush suggested that she, a fellow admin and Mr. Crane share a round of martinis. Witnesses say that Neko's suggestion was not out of place considering the topic of conversation and did not appear to be intended as a serious plan. However, in response to her suggestion Mr. Crane released this deadly comment, "I never drink with co-workers". Very savagely, this comment leapt forth and impaled Neko's innocent crush with deadly accuracy. The wound was delivered just to the right of the heart. Innocent crush is currently under intensive care at a local hospital. A representative at the hospital relayed a grim outlook for its survival.

Seemingly Off-Hand Comment was spared from the court's harshest sentence due to the fact that SOHC is not normally deadly. Experts suggest that it was only in the presence of Innocent Crush that SOHC was destructive. The judge in this case stated that Seemingly Off-Hand Comment showed a lack of consideration for Mr. Crane's fellow employees first, by calling attention to the separation between their status in the office and secondly by expressing Mr. Crane's opinion of the co-workers involved as lesser beings. Fellow Admin did not appear to be injured although could not be reached for comment.

Number 10 is Hell

Ten random reasons why I [heart] Mr. Crane:

1. He's intellegent
2. He loves his dogs
3. He is good at his job
4. He's considerate
5. He goes out of his way to help other people out
6. He's not a push-over
7. He doesn't act like a macho asshole
8. He's self-confident
9. He's tall
10. His crooked smile makes me want to die

>sigh<
This is totally unhealthy.

Imagine You're in Hell

I'm in love with my boss. Wait. Let me rephrase that. I've developed an unsettling crush on my boss, which he knows absolutely nothing about. How does that sound? It's far more accurate. He's not terribly appealing in the looks department (not that he's at all ugly, but he's no Robert Downey, Jr.), but personality-wise he's holding a royal flush. I hadn't even realized that I felt anything unusual for him until a sexual dream caught me off guard. That didn't really mean much either until I heard him talking to his wife on the phone and noticed I was getting jealous.

Yes, I'm doing my best to resist. I am smart enough to realize that fantasizing over your married supervisor isn't the best thing in the world. To get mixed up in that is almost certainly doomed. To even hint to him that I'm infatuated would mean a 95% chance of not having this job anymore. I like my job. So, I'm just going to write it down and leave the poor guy alone. I have to admit though, that it's very, very tempting to recommend the movie Secretary to him. That's a hot movie!

Okay, so for the purposes of the written fantasy world, let's call my boss Mr. Crane. I'm not going to describe the dream that floated this infatuation up from my subconscious except to say that it involved his fingers and my unmentionables. But just yesterday, the two of us shared a piece of cake. I'd bought it to support National Feral Cat Day. It was chocolate with chocolate creme frosting and raspberry preserves throughout. Mmm. We're going though moving madness here and I suggested that the two of us share the cake as a way to de-stress. Instead of cutting the piece in half, we had two forks and shared it from the same plate (i.e. takeout box). Sound romantic? It really wasn't. We just took turns with our forks and had polite conversation. Since that dream, it's been kind of difficult to look Mr. Crane in the eye. In reality, the cake eating wasn't in any way suspicious. If someone else in the office had walked in, nothing would have set off any alarms.

In my head, though, I'm sitting on his lap (and about 40 pounds thinner) and hand feeding him the cake. Oh my. As he's licking the chocolate and raspberry off of my fingers, he's also reaching up my business-like skirt.

Fresh Green Hell

Today's salad consists of:

spinach
cannelloni beans (white kidney beans)
portabello mushrooms
cheese tortellini
blue cheese
Parmesan cheese slices
kalmata feta dressing

all wrapped up in a thin tortilla and accompanied by a bottle of lemon & lime tea.

It was yummy until I got about halfway through it. What's the point of eating a salad anyway when the damn thing's bigger than your head? I feel ill and I think the girl at the chocolate shop poisoned my latte this morning. Dizzy....

Sweaty From All That Hellfire

After the moving madness at work, the blood-spattered incident at home and the uncomfortable situation at mother's house lately, I need to take some time to look at Robert Downey Jr.'s hottness.



Why, oh why aren't there more pictures from Iron Man on the 'net? I swear there were juicier shots than this in that movie. Well, he's a sexy beast anyway. I'd totally let him have his way with me. (grin) I keep saying that I'm not into men anymore. I should change that to, "I'm only into famous men now." The regular guys are just too much headache to deal with.

Clear, Plastic Hell

I ordered some boxes yesterday, to facilitate the office move from Hell. They arrived today, all wrapped in clingy celophane stuff. Being the Eco-nut that I am, I immediately tried to think of a way to re-use it. The first idea that sprang to mind was, "I know! I could wrap myself up in it naked, buy a ball-gag and go to that fetish ball!"

Strange the way my mind works sometimes...now, off to Google "fetish ball, Halloween".

Send Your Garbage to Hell

This video is great. Hopefully, people will see this and take a hint. I initially thought I was going to see some weird hippy guy with crazy ideas, but (although he's kinda "Boulder") everything he suggests is really practical. Take a look:

Hell Has Big Eyes

***Uh, oh***

Ever wonder why there have been so many movies and books cautioning us against this very sort of thing? Orwell, Bradbury, V for Vandetta....we all need to wake up and keep our civil liberties intact - before it's too late.

Exquisite Visions of Hell

Holy Wow. I discovered the art of James Jean today and I have to say that I'm in awe. I just....wow.....I so wish I could draw like that. It makes me want to die. Which, if you don't know me by now, is a good thing.

More Vomit from the Oriface of Hell

Ugh. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to wake up this morning in the first place, I had to see these on the bus on the way to work:



These shoes are horrendous. Well, they could potentially be worse, but they suck pretty bad. It's as if someone ate some camo and some Pepto and puked all over her feet. If you can tell from the picture, the shoes are basic canvas slip-ons with an unholy pattern of pink plaid. What makes them really suck though is the odd buckle strap thingie on top. Far from being functional, the gruesome "decorations" has those square studs you find on a Hot Topic emo-kid belt on them, only they're pink. They don't work with the pattern of the material, they don't hold the shoes on, and they don't do much for my eyeballs at 7:30 in the morning.

They would have matched the poor excuse for a jacket that I saw earlier on a middle-aged woman seated across from me on the train. I didn't snap a picture of it, but it was basically a mock denim jacket in pink. Where do I begin? First of all denim jackets are not cute. They may have been popular on tween girls back in the 80s, but that fashion should stay in the grave along with legwarmers. Secondly, instead of being an authentic denim jacket, it was a crude and nauseating imitation of denim. Get it straight people - denim belongs on your legs and ass and nowhere else. Thou shalt not wear denim in jacket form, hat form, shoe form or skirt form - ever. And the most cardinal sin of them all? Overalls. Unless you're 4 years old or a farmer, nobody should even consider a pair of overalls.

Whee. More examples of poorly dressed people next week.

Hell and The Fashionista

It seems I hardly blog anymore. I was so focused on Gummi Popcorn for a bit, then I got busy with projects at home. In the morning, on the way to work, is when I get the most inspiration for this blog, but I end up actually working sometimes and then don't get the chance to write. So, the idea gets stale or goes away completely.

However, sometimes they stick because of painful daily reminders - like this one!

I never claimed to be the best dressed person in the world. If I had the money, I would be, but that's not reality. I almost always manage to at least be color-coordinated. All of my cats shed in coordinating colors. I also tend not to buy in to extremely retarded trends like most of the idiots I see walking around out there. So, without further ado, I present, "Fashion Trends That Make Me Want To Choke People":



1. Enormous Bug-Eye Sunglasses. What is the point of wearing sunglasses with lenses as big as salad plates and who decided this looked good? I have a sneaking suspicion that Paris Hilton started this one, which makes me hate it all the more. The vast majority of victims to this awful fashion fiasco are women. Don't these gals realize how ridiculous they look with big, huge fly-eyes on their faces? The funny thing is, these people seem to thing they're ever-so-hot anyway, which just makes me laugh. Sure, it's a disgusted, hateful laugh, but that's as close as I get to mirth these days.



2. Big, Furry Boots. It's summertime/falltime right now. Why are you wearing jean shorts and sheepskin boots that go up to your knees in 80 degree weather? What, your calves get chilly, but not your thighs? Besides, can you imagine what it smells like inside that pair of Uggs? It's hot, your toes are sweaty, and all that sweat is trapped inside a dead animal's skin. Gross, gross, double-gross. This girl actually has a blog about this hideous footwear (which is obviously where I ripped this picture off from).

3. The Half Sweater. Have I bitched about this one before? Can't these people afford the rest of the garment? I could understand if they had knit the sweater themselves and just got tired of it halfway through, but why buy it that way? It's like buying pants that cost $80 that have been purposely damaged. WTF?! Now, I only watch Deal or No Deal when it's on at the gym and that's because it's easier to look at than the time counter on the treadmill. But, Howie Mandel was on Conan a few weeks ago and I was pleasantly shocked to learn that he's got the same aversion to the dreaded half-sweater as I do! Go Howie!! (I believe it was the Sept. 9th show)

I'm out of bitchin' time for now, but trust me, there will be more on this topic. If you're just jonzing for more right now, here you go.

Breezy In Hell

First, my new car smelled like new car. I liked it that way until I realized that "new car" really smells like chemicals and plastic. Then, after leaving a coffee mug (that I thought was empty) in the cupholder for forever, my car smelled gross. It smelled like moldy coffee. >gag< Once I threw out the grody coffee cups, my kitty died. So, then my car smelled like dead cat.

But now? Well, ever since I put this thing in:



My car smells like fresh baked cupcakes!!!!!! Which totally fuckin' ROCKS! Every time I open the door, I get a yummy, vanilla-y waft of cupcakey goodness. Oh, God it's fan -friggin-tastic!! <3

Fresh Hell

Things I'd rather do than be at Dad's company "picnic":

1. Plucking my eyebrows
2. Cleaning the litter box
3. Eating glass
4. Stabbing myself in the eyeballs
5. Giving John McCain a blowjob
6. Categorizing varieties of pocket lint
7. Burning my fingerprints off
8. Wetting myself on live television
9. Teaching Linsey Lohan how to behave in public
10. Having a vaginal infection

IWBIH 8

She sat in front of a row of expensive liquor who's bottles glistened like exotic jewels. The bartender who looked like Pete Wentz handed her a six-toed kitten and a slice of pizza.

IWBIH 8

...of course the name and phone number were bogus; just for show. The number actually went to an answering machine. If you were meant to get the real message, you knew how to decode the password from the flier. If not...