My Body Has Gone to Hell

I have a fat ass.
I've got panty-lines.
I need my hair trimmed.
and my roots dyed.
My grey hairs are starting to show again.
My big, fat belly sticks out from under my shirt like the spawn of Satan is growing inside me.
It's not.
Maybe then I'd have an excuse.
The dark circles under my eyes are getting wrinkled.
I have zits.
I can't see far enough down to paint my toenails accurately.
Did I mention the gross belly fat? Effin disgusting.
My tits are barely detectable.
My fingernails are broken and split.
Some guy jumped out of an alley this morning and beat me savagely with The Ugly Stick (tm).
My elbows are boney.
My thighs have expanded.
My teeth are yellow.
My breath smells like coffee and cigarettes.
I have excessive ear wax.
My feet smell worse than my breath.
Is it any wonder I haven't gotten laid in forever?

Another Recipe From Hell

Jesus Christ. Now, that's effing nasty.

Hell in the Air

The first hour of the morning began status quo. She hit the snooze three times before finally rising from her bed. Then, she spent twenty fruitless minutes tearing apart her bedroom in search of undergarments she swore she had owned at one point. After brushing teeth, petting cats and frowning at her uncooperative hairdo, she started her drive to the train station. As usual, the radio station that she, for some reason, remained faithful to played only two songs during the 15 minute drive. The rest of the time she tried to tune out a series of especially irritating ads.

After she'd parked, heaved her school bag onto her shoulder, and locked the vehicle, she crossed the enormous (but somehow never big enough) parking lot in order to wait for her train. When she crossed the bridge to the station, there was an unusually large crowd. She weaved her way past the various bodies and finally settled on a line to follow. Several minutes went by. Looking over her surroundings, she recognized the greasy looking cop that took her train sometimes. The guy standing in front of him had his headphones up so loud, that everyone in a 20 foot radius must have been able to hear his poor taste in music.

With the number of people waiting at the station, she figured that one of the regular trains hadn't come by. When a train finally pulled up to the station, it was coming from the wrong direction and riding on the wrong set of tracks. Another woman around her age gave her a puzzled look and asked to confirm the weird arrival of the train. She nodded.

After hooking up her own headphones, and blasting the Fratellis at what was probably a discourteous volume, she tried to play solitaire, squinting at the miniature cards on her iPod. A couple of times, the train stopped at places that were not stations. It seemed to take forever to get downtown. After another brief conversation with the girl she'd spoken to earlier, she was lugging her baggage down the ped mall. A security guard passed her, walking the opposite direction. As she was pondering the reasons why security guards don those stupid looking hats, she noticed another one. He was stationed outside the Nike store.

All along her journey this morning, she could sense something strange. Something was just a little off, as if there was a serious problem that no one was talking about. Rather than being afraid, this put her on her guard and peaked her curiosity. She boarded the elevator at work, wondering if she'd ever find out what was going on.

From Hell and Back to It

Well, I have returned from the big city. It's been a week now and I've been remiss in my blogging duties. However, I started my class at the art college and I've been swamped. I went to school 6 out of 7 days last week! Unbeknownst to me, Photoshop was a prereq for this class and I have the Photoshop experience of a hedgehog (whatever that means). So, I've been trying to familiarize myself with the program on days I don't have class. Problems is, we do all of our work on super-expensive Macs with loads of creative software that I don't have at home, nor could I afford in the foreseeable future. So, what the Hell am I going to do with all of my mad skills once this class is over?? Beats me.

The Hinged Head of Hell

So, when you load your Pez dispenser, do you load a full package in, or leave one out to eat? I leave one out.

I'm splitting town tomorrow and I have 15 minutes until work is over today - so needless to say, I'm chewing my nails. There has been more disaster and random shit in the past week - as if things couldn't get worse. My cat went ballistic on the neighbor's arm and he's in kitty prison for 10 days. The neighbor's daughter is a friggin' nutjob and wants us to pay for stupid shit like a housemaid. The situation is likely to result in a lawsuit before long, which is just lovely. The bitch is demanding to have my cat put to sleep - which is why my father doesn't want me to talk to her. There's no way she can make that happen, so I'll just point and laugh while she spins her wheels. Our actual neighbor hasn't given us any trouble, only her psycho daughter. So, how much will this whole fiasco end up costing me? Well, let's start with the charge for kitty to be in a hotel for 10 days. Then, we can add in whatever attorney's fees and court filing fees, etc. Another friggin' nightmare.

But, at least I can escape for a while. I <3 NY! I just hope I don't have to hear about my dead brother constantly. I'll just drink a lot - wait..I do that now, and it doesn't help much....hmm...Vicadin?