Insomnia is Hell

Geez. Look at the time. Since I've been unemployed, my biology is all screwed up. I finally got back on my meds this afternoon, thank god. I also happen to be sober. Those are two very obvious reasons why I can't get to sleep. I thought it'd be fun to post to my mobile blog (Neko A-Go-Go) and see the time progression as I toss and turn. But, as of 12:00 this a.m., Sprint shut off my phone service. I'll be able to go and pay the bill tomorrow morning, or this morning, however you see it. So, it's not something I can't handle. I've got to go and hit up Walmart for some razors and some hand soap anyway. I wonder if I'll sleep between now and then. From here on out it'll be fun stuff like shampoo and kitty litter that I'll get to spend my money on. No new clothes or CDs for Neko.

I keep saying it over and over, but I've got to quit smoking. The money I could save ~ not to mention my own life. I'm on "the patch". Not the nicotine patch, but the birth control patch. If you've payed only passing attention to the news, you might have noticed that the combination of that little sucker and smoking tends to cause blood clots and send little girls like me to the hospital, or even better, the morgue. Every time my heart beats irregularly, I think, "This is it Neko. Time's up."

Whenever I lay down, my rabbitty little think box fills itself up with the intricasies (fuck off Webster) of the next nifty project I could be working on. The next nifty project I am working on already in my head. There are around four of them. Or, I mentally go through my routine for tomorrow. What will I wear? What time should I leave the house? How will the evening progress? Will Walmart be crowded and what's the best time of day to avoid the Friday crowd? If I get all punk for my bf, will I feel uncomfortable going to cash my check? Do I care? Ack!

But, after painting all day, I'm kind of created out. I don't feel that I could keep interest in a movie and I don't really want to play video games either. I could beat my head against a wall, but that might wake up the other dwellers. I got up, ate some rice, had a glass of apple soda, lit up a smoke (you're going to die, Neko) and here I am trying to relieve the pressure in my brain.

Another Day in Hell

I worked on the hoodie some more last night. First, I sketched out some bat silouettes and transferred them onto a cardboard slab. Next, I took my trusty Exacto blade and carved out a template:



Then, I mixed up some fabric paint and began transferring the battiness to fabric...



But, the paint has bled through to the soft inner side of the hoodie, compromising the blankety blissfull softness. So, I've hung up the hoodie to dry while I ponder a solution. I can't have the hoodie not be all cuddly soft anymore, 'cause then I'll never wear it and the whole project will be void. Hmmm...

While that little endeavor is on the hanger, I started work on a painting. The style is totally ripped from Junko Mizuno, but I've tried to add some personal flare to it. Here's my prelim:



I meant to have a flock of crows in the background, but by the time I was finished etching out the foreground, there wasn't much room left for my beloved birdies. I'll find a way to get them in there anyway:



I started painting before I even thought to take some pictures. But, I thought I could add to my project by documenting it like I am with the hoodie. Here's the pic with the background filled in a little more:



So, now I'm letting the painting dry for a bit and I really should be eating something. It's already 3:30?! Good god, I've eaten nothing all day and I'm out of smokes again and I'm teetering on the edge of a breakdown. This will be fun to look back on later when I'm sober and stable and medicated and happy again. Whee! It's kind of fun playing with my sanity and this beer is starting to get to me....

What the Hell are You Doing Up So Late

Neko is up late because she doesn't have a job.
But, she's also smoking cigarette butts out of the ashtray because she doesn't have a job. Gross, I know.
Neko's added a bunch more links to her blog, because she's getting artsy-fartsy on your ass.
Well, she was anyway, but she just now chose to reveal that aspect of herself.
Whee! Another beer down the hatch!

"Hell Has Overcome" ~ Whoever

I just spent the last 20 minutes trying to add a quote randomizer that I ripped from the Silver Queen (who incidentally ripped from somewhere else). All it seems to have done is fux up my description bar thingie up there. ("Thingie? This is technical jargon, isn't it?) All that work thinking up random quotes to wow you all with. Dang it! AND THIS BLOG IS STILL FUCKING BRONCO COLORS!!!!!!

Hell Wear a Bright Orange Hoodie

Well, my bf called. I feel a bit better now. We set a date for Friday night and that should keep me going until then. I should harness my depressive energy and flow it into my art projects. I always work better when I'm about to destroy something. Also, I have a job interview next week and that helps me not feel so useless. Until then, I'm always available to model nude for cash. Seriously. I'd even let someone film me making out with another girl. Seriously. I had this dream this morning...oh my god. Yes, it involved me an several other girls. Mmm hm! I said I was off the man hunt.

So, here's a pic of the hoodie as it exists now. My brother said I should paint, "Property of Colorado State Prison" on it, but nevermind him. He's an idiot.



I ripped the elastic off the bottom, but the pockets fell out, so I had to stitch them up (in black of course).



Then, I decided to stitch up the rest of it...



And with the elastic band that I removed, I made ears. I've always wanted a hoodie with ears.



Now I'm off to paint bats over the whole thing. That is, if I can bring myself to take it off long enough. Have you ever seen an anime called Serial Experiment Lain? You know the little bear outfit she wears when she's moody? Well, it's like that here.

Small White Doses of Hell

Is it day 2 or day 3 without my Celexa? I'm not sure, but I can feel myself starting to slip. I wonder if I can last until Friday without doing something horrible. Maybe this Godiva hot chocolate will help, or these stale biscuits, each laden with a square of pure Godiva chocolate. A cigarette? Just don't go back to bed. That would be bad. Take a shower, change your clothes. Maybe a distraction, like video games would do the trick. A call from one of my friends would certainly help. But, I can't call anyone myself, lest I feel like a burden.

My email accout is with "Care 2". If you've ever been to the website, it's smothered in crys of "help these poor creatures" and "sign this petition or something will die". How can I tell I'm slipping? Because each little creature feature with it's large, pleading brown eyes makes me want to cry or do something drastic. I haven't done much but lay in bed, and I haven't spoken to anyone in 24 hours. Eesh. I should probably stay away from that bottle of wine in the kitchen. That's what got me into trouble yesterday.

I could call my therapist if things got really bad. But, I know what she would tell me. She'd say to get some meds. But, I can't do that, at least until I get that meager check on Friday. I texted my bf, thinking I could get a little pick me up in the way of reassurance or some attention. He hasn't texted me back or called in 2 days. I'm thinking he needs a break. A break I can understand. I know I'm just over reacting because I'm unbalanced. Talking to anyone like that right now might just bring the whole house of cards right down on my head. I sent a text to Shenry. He didn't text back, but I can understand that too. He was in the air sometime on tuesday, returning from a difficult family loss. So, it's okay that he didn't respond. He's got bigger problems than me right now.

So, for now, Little Tragedies is my only companion. So be it. It's one form of therapy I can use without depending on anyone else. Well, I do have to depend on the slowest of internet connections to open the door. I'm going to go and shower and do some laundry. That should get me up a little. Then, I should finish that hoodie I've been working on. I could even upload some pics of it here. That should be fun. I know, I'll make a list and just keep plugging away until I've forgotten all about jumping off bridges and cutting little holes in myself. Whee!

Stupid Thing Can Go To Hell

Well, my pirate name is "Bloody Jenny Flint".....paste the code on your blog they said...everything will be fine they said...you can get dressed now they said...sheesh.

Get The Hell Off My Ship!

My pirate name is:

Bloody Jenny Flint

Every pirate lives for something different. For some, it's the open sea. For others (the masochists), it's the food. For you, it's definitely the fighting. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from fidius.org.

Beating the Pavement in Hell

So, now I find myself unemployed. Basically, I lost my job because I skipped out a few times too many. Which, if you ask me, is like suspending a kid for not going to school. "Well, you haven't been coming in to the office lately, so we'll fix it so you can't come in at all." Plus, I had ETO (Earned Time Off), so I don't see how they can fire me, but I'm sure they've got all sorts of legal loopholes in their policy. Well, f* them. Now, they'll have to split my duties among the three of them in addition to their own jobs until they find a suitable replacement for me. Have fun, ladies! I liked the job. I kind of miss it. But, se-la-vi.

The car and the new digs I'd been planning for will have to wait.

What does Neko do when she finds herself with no income? Well, she trots her happy ass down to the temp agency is what she does. I've got a quickie job that'll last me tomorrow and Friday. Then, my application was sent off to another client and I may have a 6 month gig starting in April. The pay on that one is pretty sweet, so I hope it comes through. Insurance? Yeah. That's the tough part. How do I keep my meds coming in? How do I pay for therapy? I guess I'll do what I have to to get by until I've got a steady cash flow again.

Now that Neko has so much free time, what's she been up to? Neko's been gettin' busy with her new b/f is what. If you've had problems finding a steady sexual benefactor, go out and find yourself a young virgin boy to deflower. I couldn't recommend it more highly! Talk about energy, talk about enthusiasm, talk about being appreciated, talk about yummy!!! Of course he's fun to be around and he has more merits than just the goodies. He's an artist! More accurately, and "art student", which is my type completely. We haven't been doing much aside from gettin' busy and watching movies. That'll change when we both get paid. How young is he? Hmm. Well, there's a 10 year difference in age between us. I know, I'm a dirty old woman, but I got over that a while ago. He's not even old enough to hit the bars with me yet. Jesus Christ, he's only 3 years older than my little brother! But, if anything proves that I've "still got it", it's him.

Shouldn't Neko be cleaning house? Shouldn't she be working on her small business plans? Shouldn't she be devoting time to her art projects and craftly endeavors? Hell yes. I should be doing all of those things, but I'm not. I'm sleeping mostly. I love sleeping. But, since Bonz and I shook up that waterbed, it's even more riddled with leaks than before and it's not very comfortable sleeping in a puddle of water, however warm that water may be. Ick. I can't believe I haven't cleaned my room or at least caught up on my penpal letters. What a lazy ass!

What I really, really need to be doing is figuring out a way to not work for "the Man" anymore. Be my own boss. I'm surely not cut out for the corporate life. I can never make it in on time and I have virtually no drive to succeed in that arena. Climb the ladder? Not for me. Sure, I'd like to be making more money. Sure, I'd like to be more stable and more in control. Who wouldn't? But I find it really hard to get enthusiastic about these crappy dead-end jobs and the business they entail. Most of it seems so meaningless to me. "File these papers." "Enter this data." "Mail these envelopes." What good is it really doing anyone except the big wigs who're making all the real cash? No benefit to society, no benefit to the planet (have you any idea just how much paper gets used>!) and certainly no benefit to my self-esteem. Sure, everyone needs money to live on, but is it wrong to want something more?

Back The Hell Off!

I've promised to make a public announcement, so here it is....
Neko is hereby "off the market". i.e., I'm taken, involved, and no longer on the man hunt.
Bonz now has exclusive rights to my body and heart. We'll see how long this one lasts folks.

The Horrible Kaw of Hell

Crow Art Contest

Prize: $50

Okay boys and girls, here’s the deal. I want to get a tattoo of a crow. Since I can’t stand my own artwork, and since I have so many talented friends, I’ve decided to host a friendly little competition.

Here are the basic Guidelines:
★ All entries must be original artwork
★ Drawing must be approx 4 to 5 inches high
★ Crow must be facing to the left. Its body can be the other way, but its beak must point left.
★ You can submit as many drawings as you want
★ All designs must be black and white
★ The basic style I’m looking for is comic book/animation style with heavy lines and not much fine detail. I don’t mean Looney Tunes though – I still want it to look fairly realistic
★ Keep in mind that tattoos tend to blur as they get older and I don’t want to end up with a blob.
★ I plan to have the final design done on my left shoulder blade
★ Feel free to ask as many questions or to submit drawings for input.

You can submit drawings any of 3 ways:

In person
via email at chibirisu@vegemail.com
use subject line "crow contest" in your email
via mail to
J. P.
PO Box 371391
Denver, CO 80237
USA

I Wouldn't Be Caught In Hell Wearing That

Okay, since I've turned this thing into a virtual bitchfest, I might as well continue. I mean, who else can I vent to?

So, what's the deal with the itty-bitty sweater fashion? You know, the trend in jackets and botton-up sweaters that only go halfway down? It's really pissing me off! They're generally long sleve and worn over another shirt. So, don't their stomachs get cold? Why the Hell would you wear long sleves, but not have the rest of the thing go down all the way? Every time I see a woman wearing something like that, I have to stifle the desire to run up and smack her! Thank god none of my friends sports those things.

Our department here at work has moved recently to another floor. It's the top floor of the building and, for some reason, most of the people on this floor seem to think their noses should be as high as the office space. There's one girl in particular (who just happens to sport the stupid sweater thing EVERY FUCKING DAY) that really makes my temper flare. I don't ever have to talk to her or work with her or anything.

Oh crap...gotta go.

Cisco Goes to Hell

So, here I am, drinking Milwaukee's Best Light and eating Girl Scout cookies. What a healthy diet, no? I've been pondering for a while about this topic, and since I'm on a roll, I thought, "Why not?"

Thongs. I must have a weird shaped ass. I mean, I'm no J-Lo, but I've definately got an ass. I've been complimented several times on it's shape and spankfulness. But, that was mostly from guys with an agenda. The reason I think I must have an unusual ass, is that virtually every pair of underwear I own crawls up there! I must have around 20 pairs of panties and all but maybe 2 of them end up in the crack after about 5 minutes. Do most women have this problem? I've determined that it's not the style of underwear, because my collection varies in it's fashions. I've got boy-shorts, bikini, lacey, cotton, briefs, you name it. It's not that I'm wearing the wrong size either. So, I've detetermined that it must be ME.

Thongs. They're not particularly comfortable. One thing they do have going for them is that if they end up in your crack, they're in the right place. So, you don't have to sneak those precious seconds in the elevator, or in the stairwell, or that creepy storage room, to dig them out. Guys seem to like them. My step-sister said to me in a conversation once, "I mean, at least that means I get to wear thongs all week." Get to? She's a good deal heavier than me. I don't imagine she looks all that hot sporting a thong, but what do I know?

Thongs. I'm wearing one right now. It has cute little pink bows, and see through patch in the front and that's about all there is to it. I have around 5 pairs of thongs. Why do I own them? Because I thought they were cute in the store. Oh, and guys seem to like them. Why am I wearing one? Because I've been too lazy to do laundry lately and that's all I've got clean. Frankly, I'm not confident enough to wear one on a date, unless it matches my outfit and there's nothing else clean. I'm much more comfortable wearing my boy briefs with the glowing skeletons on them. Those rock. Yes, I wish they were clean right now.

...and Milwaukee's Best Light? I don't recommend it.

Damn, Damn, Hell, Damn

Neko, you retard. Don't start getting all down in the dumps. So what if he was online and didn't email you? Who cares? He's just some asshole you met on MySpace who sent you a few dirty emails and a few hot pictures. Just like all the other perverts on MySpace. Sure, he's not married like most of them, but still. It doesn't matter. Just because he's hot, doesn't mean you're in love with him. You don't know anything about him. Really now. Don't be such a fuxing idiot. Stupid girl, you still haven't learned a thing.

My first tendency is to withdraw. Like a snail or a sea anenome (can't spell it, can't pronounce it). Close down my account at MySpace, stop responding to emails, make everything dark again. Suck back into my skin, into the comforting darkness inside myself. The darkness that I'm used to. The darkness that I lived in so completely until those pills started dissolving themselves in my stomach. Yes, don't speak to anyone. Immerse yourself in your creative endeavors. Listen to that new NIN cd you bought and turn out the lights and light up a smoke (you really have to quit, you know). Get drunk and forget you're not a rock star.

The more you involve yourself with them, Neko, the more you become vunerable. The easier it is for them to weaken your shell. How foolish of you to come out of it. How foolish, Neko. What is it that'll make you not care? What will it take, after everything you've been through, to open your eyes? Arrrg.....quiet you! (Ignore this completely)