A List

Now, I've never been one to believe that a woman's place is to please her mate. I'm a feminist. I think there should be equal sharing in a healthy relationship. You give. You take. Part of the reason that I struggle so much with my new relationship is that I have a lot of issues to conquer. S.P. (that's what I'll call my SO for now) is a very patient and understanding person. That's part of what makes him the right one for me. I am also a very open communicator.

For example, one thing I've struggled with (for what seems like ages now) is jealousy. I don't know where it came from. I know it's ruined at least one of my relationships. I know it hurts. I know it's not productive and that it does me no good. But, there's a creeping voice in my head that doesn't want to be made a fool of. The Voice likes to invent scenarios. If S.P. sends me a text, telling me he's staying late at the office, The Voice just knows that it means he's seeing a woman after hours. But, he's not. Really, he's not. So, recognizing that I have this problem, I told him about it and I've started seeing a therapist. I don't know, yet, if it's doing me any good, but (even if I stop seeing S.P.) jealously is going to be something I'll struggle with until I can get a handle on it. Why is this a problem?

One facet (and I expect there are many) of my personality that contributes to this problem is a lack of self-esteem. I don't see why he'd want to be with me, therefore, I don't see why another woman couldn't offer him something I don't. So, as an exercise, I am going to try listing the positive things I bring to this relationship. The idea is that, if I bolster my sense of self-worth, I'll have more confidence. More confidence should lead to a stronger feeling of security. Stronger security should help alleviate the fear that another person (I'm equally as threatened by men) will "steal his affections." (God, the more I write, the more absurd it all seems.) Here goes:

A List of What I Bring to This Relationship:

I throw the box like a witch.
I'm very affectionate.
Common interests.
Sense of humor.
Open mind.
Ability to consider things from multiple perspectives.
Willingness to let the little things go (in my stronger moments).
Thoughtfulness and consideration
Crisis skill set
Reminders (did you pay your electric bill?)
Artistic ability
Cleverness
Back scratching
Companionship
Love of animals
Scientific mind (mostly)
Compassion
Good taste
Division of labor
Love of research
I don't always demand to be right
Zombie apocalypse survival skills
Resourcefulness
Willingness to try new things
Financial support
Emotional support
Passion
Dedication to my education
Introduction of new interests
Sewing/knitting/crochet skills
I get along with his family
Brains (in general)
Good conversation
tattoos
Willingness to admit my shortcomings
Desire to work toward solutions
Love
Organization and planning

That's what I've noticed he appreciates, as well as what I think I bring to the table.

I'm not feeling healthy.

I recently received notification of a comment left on this blog. It was an advertisement, encouraging me to sign up for a new social networking blog service thingie. I checked it out. I wasn't interested. But, I'd forgotten all about Little Tragedies. It's been three years since I posted anything here. I think it's about time to resurrect it. It's bizarre to me to read these old posts. While I remember the events described quite clearly, I can't relate to the head space so much any more. I'm...well, I'm not in a good head space right now. It's encouraging to see that I once was. I think maybe I can get there again. I think maybe the time is right to start blogging again, if for no other reason than to see what my thoughts look like in writing.

I'm not feeling healthy.
This is entirely beside the fact that I have a cold right now.
It's my brain that's not healthy. No tumors or cancers or stray fluids are lurking up there (at least, not that I know of). I wasn't hit with a bat. I don't have a concussion. I don't have seizures or blackouts or strokes.

I have a relationship.
Yep.

And it's not so much the relationship that's the problem. It's a good relationship - at least, it would be if I let it. It's that this is one of those "serious" relationships and I haven't had one of those since my divorce. I got divorced because my ex was a psychopath who tried to murder me. So, ya know, I've got baggage. Mind you, this is baggage that's eight years old. But, I hadn't realized just how severely damaged I was until all of these new feelings starting re-hydrating my capillaries. Nerve endings have come to life that had been numb for ages. You know that "pins and needles" feeling when circulation returns to your foot after you've sat on it for a while? It's sort of like that, but emotionally.

So, maybe reviving Little Tragedies will give me a space to sort it all out.