6.30.2006

Children In Hell Want Ice Water

I was feeling crappy this morning, but now I'm feeling "up". It's usually when I feel encouraged about life that I think about making changes. That may sound backward, but when I'm down, I don't really give a sh^t about anything. So, lest I forget, I'm going to post my new health agenda. To arrive at this list, I made a short list of my current health habits and tried to come up with attainable solutions. As optimistic as I may be this afternoon, if I make my goals sky-high then nothing will get done. Without further ado...

Problem #1: I smoke too much.
Action to Take: I have been trying to quit smoking for the past 2 years or so. You might say, "Neko, you haven't been trying very hard." But, if you're not a smoker, you cannot possibly imagine the kung-fu grip that nicotine has. Since I haven't found anything that works for me, the logical answer is to keep trying different methods. The new plan that I came up with is to try to cut down gradually by defining specific restrictions and adhering to them. The first restriction is to only smoke 1/2 cigs at a time. I only usually need half a stick to satisfy my fix anyway. The second restriction is to only smoke outside or when I'm on the computer. Spike can help me with this by forcing me to smoke only on his balcony. Now that the weather is nice, I shouldn't have any gripes about going outdoors.

Problem #2: I drink too much.
Action to Take: From now on, I'll restrict myself to only drinking past 5:00pm. I'll further restrict myself to a maximum of 2 drinks a day. Yes, I do drink a whole hell of alot. To limit my intake even more, I won't drink with Spike (he doesn't drink anyway) unless we are at a bar.

Problem #3: Coffee makes my nerves insane.
Action to Take: At least until I get a job, I won't drink any coffee at all. Instead, I'll replace it with tea, water or chai. Many of my friends like to frequent the coffee shops, but if they offer chai, I can drink with them and still be able to sleep at night. I don't believe in decaf either!!

Problem #4: I need more excercise.
Action to Take: This is also a two step process. I saw a commercial some time ago that advertised a drug to cure "restless leg syndrome". When I saw it, I thought, "holy crap, I think I have that" and it's been praying on me ever since. But, instead of popping even more pills, I'm going to pull out my yoga books and try to practice some leg excercises before I go to bed. That should help me relax, ease my muscles, and get me off to sleep faster. The next stage is to pull my little bmxer down from the garage and see what needs to be done to put it back in working order. Offhand I'd say that all it needs is a tire and some brake work. When I'm able to get it back together, I'll try riding that around the neighborhood in the evenings.

Well, that's it. Hopefully, I can keep these things in mind and I'll be on the road to a healthier lifestyle.

Hell For Your Pet

The fourth is coming up. While most of us plan to go get silly and watch things explode, don't forget about your pets! I'm passing this along from the ASPCA, because we all know I love the animals. There were some tips here that I hadn't even thought of. (This has been a public service announcement from Neko)

* Do not apply any sunscreen or insect repellent product to your pet that is not labeled specifically for use on animals. Ingestion of sunscreen products can result in drooling, vomiting, diarrhea, excessive thirst and lethargy. The misuse of insect repellent that contains DEET can lead to neurological problems.

* Always keep matches and lighter fluid out of your pets’ reach. Certain types of matches, for example, contain chlorates, which could potentially damage blood cells and result in difficulty breathing.

* Keep your pets on their normal diet. Any change, even for one meal, can give your pets severe indigestion and diarrhea. And keep in mind that foods such as onions, chocolate, coffee, avocado, grapes and raisins, salt and yeast dough can all be potentially toxic to companion animals.

* Loud, crowded fireworks displays are no fun for pets, so please resist the urge to take them to Independence Day festivities. Instead, keep your little guys safe from the noise in a quiet, sheltered and escape-proof area at home.

* Never leave alcoholic drinks unattended where pets can reach them. Alcoholic beverages have the potential to poison pets. If ingested, the animal could become very intoxicated and weak, severely depressed or could go into a coma. Death from respiratory failure is also a possibility in severe cases. (Neko's cat likes to drink Guiness)

* Do not put glow jewelry on your pets, or allow them to play with it. While the luminescent substance contained in these products is not highly toxic, excessive drooling and gastrointestinal irritation could still result from ingestions, and intestinal blockage could occur from swallowing large pieces of the plastic containers.

* Keep citronella candles, insect coils and oil products out of reach. Ingestions can produce stomach irritation and possibly even central nervous system depression. If inhaled, the oils could cause aspiration pneumonia in pets.

Hell Not Quite Spoken

I absolutely BEG someone out there to take a look at Silver's page and my page (viewing sources on both) and tell me what the f*k I'm doing wrong with the whole "random quotes" code. It's driving me f*ing batty!!!

Updating and Reorganizing Hell

Neko's been messing around with the template again. If you haven't noticed, she added a few new links under "spank me" lately. Since that section was becoming overgrown, Neko separated the blogs into their own section and the fun stuff remains under the previous heading. Neko wants you to check out David Blaine's homepage, even though it won't load on her own crappy computer.

6.29.2006

Driving a Truck in Hell

Well, I'm moving right along in my job hunt and other responsibilities. I've only got one more job to apply to this week in order to fulfill my contract with unemployment. They don't really check to see if you apply for jobs, but I figure it's a good way to force myself into the job hunt. If I send out five resumes a week, something's bound to materialize, right? I've basically written off the temp agencies at this point. They've been neglecting to contact me back about the jobs they've offered and the interviews I've attended and they're not offering me anything new. Besides, I can't wait forever for benes, etc. So, a big middle finger up to the temp employment industry. I've worked how many years as a temp and what do I have to show for it??!! I just hope I can land something cushy, like Shenry has. I don't wish Silver's employment situation on anyone, except my brother (hee hee), but he already f#ed that one up.

I managed to score a little cash from my buddy Seven, which will allow me to pay some bills and retain my status as a PP consultant (I'm not allowed to mention the company's name online anymore). That makes me feel a little better. I still have to beg Dad to pay my car insurance bill. I'm hoping that he'll bend even though he just shelled out the bucks to fix my heap-o-truck. "But Daddy, you don't want me to go without insurance, do you?" *blink, blink* The PP business isn't going as well as hoped, but I can chalk that up to not going the extra mile 'n' stuff as far as pushing the products. My date planner is filling up with tasks to accomplish toward revamping my approach to the business. Plus, I ordered a bunch of nifty new things to add to my presentation. Having only two toys looks pretty lame. But, corporate just sent out an email announcement about how the consultants aren't supposed to mention the business online anymore, primarily because MySpace is getting such a bad public rep these days.

Of course I talked to Spike tonight. I've been a little stressed, since I returned home, about who's feeling what and if things are as great as they were initially. But, I've been reassured and I think it's just lack of meds and too much coffee that are driving me nuts. I cut down on my eating too. Spike's been treating me to totally yummy restaraunt food lately and I feel like a pig. Today I ate only a bagel and 2 bean & cheese burritos from the freezer. I know I shouldn't be starving myself. It's actually exercise that I need, not less food. But smoking all my meals is the lazy way out. We all know that if there is a lazy way out, I'll take it! Isn't that the way models stay thin? I'm not about to gag myself and retch up my lunch or snort coke to maintain my figure, so it's the next worst thing. I keep telling myself that I'll fix up my little BMX in the garage and go out riding. But, seriously, when't THAT going to happen?!

6.28.2006

Hehru No Kaeru

Rough translation: Hell’s Return Home

I’m finally back home. I’ve spent a week with my head in the clouds, wallowing in laziness, gluttonous of fine restaurant meals, astounded by broadband internet speeds and spoiled by Spike’s company. It’s about time. My cats are giving me sarcastic slit-eyed gazes that beg the question, “Well, who the hell are you?” A pile of once-fresh laundry is now caked with the cat hair frosting of neglect. A pile of mail sits in my stead at the dinner table. Thank god my keys still fit the locks.

Why did it take me so long to return to my life? Well, the most convenient answer is: car trouble. Last Friday, my truck decided to stop in the middle of the street. Being about 3 miles from home, the street was in the suburbs. It took about 20 minutes for someone to stop and help me drag my dumpster-with-engine off the road. I walked home in the blazing sun. Dad came home, gave me a jump and bought me a new battery. I thought everything was “cool”.

A couple of days later, Fate chimed in with a “ha-ha”. On the way home from Spike’s I stopped for cigs. The truck wouldn’t start. In the city, not like in the suburbs, it only took 5 minutes to find assistance. A couple of guys in need of a couple of bucks push started my vehicle. I drove it back to Spike’s and called Daddy again. Since I couldn’t move my hunk of junk car, I removed the battery and took it to Checker to have it recharged. Checker said that PepBoys had sold my father a bum battery. So, I dragged the heavy-ass chunk of trash to the nearest PepBoys and demanded a replacement. They complied, I lugged the f*ing thing back to my truck and re-installed it. Deciding that it was wise to take advantage of the “we’re so sorry, here’s a free diagnostic” offer, I drove the crap pile back to the store. Turns out that the alternator was shot. Now, the ex-bastard supposedly replaced this thing a couple of years ago. But, who knows what really happened?! So, good ol’ Dad payed to have my alternator replaced and I’m back on the road again.

That was the convenient answer. The more subtle reason behind the delay is that I couldn’t find it in me to pry myself away from Spike. I’m most certain that I overstayed myself, contrary to Spike’s insistence that I was welcome. He’s way too kind to tell me that he’s sick of my company. “And you want to move in with this guy”, you say. Yes, I do. But, having only a small backpack to draw from is far different than having all my resources available. I’m sure my complection is suffering from lack of beauty products and proper cleansing.

I feel better now that I’ve left. I wonder at myself for having been so afraid to step away. It really isn’t all that bad. I was feeling bad about myself for allowing myself such luxury and freedom from responsibility. I was getting restless at not having my possessions close at hand. I missed my kitties. I missed my PSP. I was getting snippy with Spike for no reason. It’s good to take a break and it’s not as hard as it seemed. The poor guy is probably happy to have his space again. When we get together again, our love will be renewed and passionate all the more.

On the drive up Santa Fe, I was planning a new course of action. I was determined to improve my lifestyle, eat a better diet, be more productive, stop smoking, stop drinking, etc. But, I wasn’t home for 5 minutes before I had a brew in my hand and a smoke at my lips. So much for living better. My shower was nice. Having consistent water pressure and temperature is highly underrated! And I used my little scrubby thing to shluff off the dead skin and scum that built up. I took the time to shave all the important areas without being rushed. I missed home after all.

6.25.2006

Bunnies From Hell

God damn it. Another post lost to the f#ing world of techno-glitches!!

Well, I meant to say "Check out this site. Your head will f*ing explode!! That was the main purpose, of my Blaned post. There were also some bits about how I haven't been home in the past week, because Spike's got a busted hand and I'm playing nurse. And then there was a bit about how my car's crapped out on me and I couldn't go home right now if I wanted to. Blah, Blah, blah. I'll catch up more later.

6.19.2006

Hell Warmed Over

I feel like total shit today. I just got out of bed about a half hour ago and I'm surprised I made it. I think the sole reason I made the decision to face the world today was the list of items on my Anne Taintor calendar. Most of them won't be accomplished, but there is one important one that requires immediate attention. I've got to call in to claim my unemployment benefits. I'm totally depressed. I suppose that's what Neko gets when Neko refuses to take her meds.

Sure, it sounds like I'm totally dependent on these pills. To an extent, that's true. Let me put it this way. If you've got depression and you take meds to aid your condition, they offer a sort of safety net. I still have emotions, I still get bummed out, but these white tablets make it so that I'm not as likely to plummet and carve up my flesh. Since the age of 13, blades have been my weapon of choice. That's always been my method - cutting. You just need one look at my wrists to know that. Another thing about taking anti-depression meds is that when you "come down" your mood doesn't go from "alright" to "normal". It goes from "alright" and swings drastically in the opposite direction to "totally f*ed up". That's how I feel right now.

One thing that never, ever fails to happen when I skip the pills is that I dream of the ex-bastard. I have never skipped and not had nightmares. That's one reason I feel like Hell today. Most of my PTSD symptoms have subsided and I'm coping remarkably well. But, whenever I fall asleep unmedicated, I dream that he's after me again. Not f*ing cool! I think it's been 2 days since I remembered my meds. Well, I just took them and damn the upset stomach and jumpy nerves. Glad I decided not to just curl up and weep all day. I could still get something done.

6.18.2006

Hell's Favorite Flora

Now that my obligation to post the track listing for the second half of my Funeral Mix has been fulfilled, I'm free to ramble about other things.

My brother's birthday passed this last week. I didn't get him a gift, a card, or even find the time to hang out with him. I'm too broke and too busy. Forget about Father's Day. Bro was at Dad's this weekend and the three of us went out to eat last night. While my father took a welcome break from hitting on the teenage waitstaff to run to the men's room, my brother offered me a deal.

He said that if I toked up with him, he'd forgive the giftlessness and count it as his present. Yes, my bro is a stoner. Everyone who offers me a hit from their pipe gets to hear the story of my ganja smoking days. Those days, I would smoke my own weight in KB in a month or less. I had a tent set up over my waterbed with a big screen TV and a Playstation at the foot. A consistent layer of smoke floated in the top foot of space between ceiling and floor. There were 100 different varieties of insence in stock, lava lamps all around, tie-dyes in my closet and psycadelic posters on every wall. Those were the days.

Everyone who offers me a hit also gets to hear why I don't smoke anymore greens. Paranoia! I stopped liking it and so I stopped doing it. One person who never tires of my stoned exploits is my brother. He's been trying to share his stash with me for years. He's been trying to get me to party with him and his teenage friends. Imagine who the cops will look at when the bust into a room of drunken, stoned teenagers having premarital sex. Neko doesn't like jail.

But, in the interest of being let off the hook and saving some cash, I agreed to my bro's terms. We killed a fatty and topped it off with a christmas tree bowl. All of a sudden, I understood my brother so much better. "So THIS is why you're always acting that way. You're stoned!" It's as if I reached enlightenment over and over, but then forgot how I realized it. Of course, the memories flooded back. The two of us BSed for a while, argued about who was more out of it, listened to some Sublime and watched some Spike Jonze videos. Then, bro fell asleep and I went downstairs to play video games. I also understand why he never comes out of his room and plays video games constantly. They're great for battling paranoia. I thought I'd figured out the ultimate winning strategy for playing Lumines on PSP, but I kept forgetting what it was.

The down side of the whole night was that I remembered that most of the jobs I've been applying for require drug screenings. Crap. Spike suggested that I drink a lot of water. But, since THC dissolves in not water, but in ALCOHOL, I think I should get shitfaced for about a week. If that doesn't work, maybe I'll down a bunch of detox tea. I don't intend to reimmerse myself in the lifestyle. But, it's fun just to check in with that side of my past every once in a while.

Neko's Decent Into Hell (part 2)

Since Spike's phone won't let me talk to him anymore tonight, I'm left to wander aroud cyberspace on my own. I guess now is a good a time as any to finish up the second half of the track listing for Neko's Untimely Demise. I've already distributed the copies, so anyone who's got one won't be spoiled by this post.

Neko's Untimely Demise
Part 2: in case of suicide, natural disaster, suicide...

Cosmos from Cowboy Beebop soundtrack

Here's one track I can bet nobody else has on their mix. This one is a short, saxy interlude to annouce the change of mood. I also think it's beautiful and appropriatly tear-jerking.

Mary Jane's Last Dance by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

I had to borrow this CD from my father's collection, as I'm sure my copy was pawned years ago. If you've never seen the music video for this song, it portrays Petty as a pervy mortician who dances with the corpse of Mary Jane. While I'm sure the title lends itself to many interpretations, the video was what I had in mind when I picked this track for my funeral. I just think it's touching to think that someone out there would hold out enough lingering desire to entice one last embrace of my lifeless body.

Ask For Answers by Placebo

Two of the CDs I dug out of my archives were Placebo albums I confiscated from my relationship with Mark (alcholic domestic abuse guy). During the latter portion of our cohabitation, I found myself constantly occupied with thoughts of suicide. So, most of the music I remember from that period reminds me of razor blades and contemplation. Ask for Answers is something I could see myself listening to in a bloody bathtub.

Hear My Train... by Jimi Hendrix

I don't think this is the official title of the track, but that's how the chorus begins. When I hear this one, I think of being on death row, prepped for execution. Or, I think of being a heroine about to face a battle I know I won't walk away from.
C'mon folks, Hendrix is rich with this stuff.

I Know by Placebo

Another depressing melody by Placebo. Don't think I feel like explaining this one.

Farewell Ride by Beck

Neko's rules of mixed cds: each CD must contain one or more tracks by the following bands ~ My Chemical Romance, Beck, Bjork or Radiohead. This is the Beck contribution. It has much of the same sentiment as the Hendrix song above. It almost smacks of some Johnny Cash as well.

Everyting is Sorrow by The Boo Radleys

I'd forgotten how much I love this song. The melody (or whatever) alone makes me want to cry. I think that it was originally meant as a deterrent to suicide, but it has the opposite effect on me.

The End.
I'd had the passing thought of leaving the entire CD up to the listner's interpretation. What happened to that idea? Hopefully, each person will have their own reaction to my mix. I guess I was trying to justify my selections. In the modern age of iPods and downloads, I must be one of the only people who still prefer to purchase the actual CD. Generally, the CD rewards include liner notes, credits, etc. I've noticed, though, that now bands don't really bother to put much together for the CD release. The new NIN CD just has a pic of Trent inside.

6.17.2006

Hell is a Vacant Lot

I'm home again. My lover has a skewed work schedule, which allows me to be away from my father's house Wednesday night through Saturday morning. I left my father's house in anger. I overheard him saying something on the phone about my current love interest. Well, it wasn't good. Despite having only shared company with Spike for a mere 2 minutes, he's passed a judgement which was summed up in one comment, "I hope she gets over it soon." Where does he get off?! Since my father decided to direct his career toward massage, he's become a new-agey self-help book reader. So, I constantly receive lectures and speches on forgiveness and free-thinking. The thing that pisses me off is that dad never follows his own advice. He only reads these things and regurjitates them. Once, he even went so far as to suggest that I forgive my ex-husband for the atrocities committed against myself and family. Move on maybe, cope maybe, but forgive? Never. I can understand why my father might be leery of my relationship choices. Did he ask me about Spike after they met? No. Did he express his concerns directly with me? No. That's why I'm pissed. Besides, it hurts for me to hear my father's second hand comments about the man of my dreams. I'm certain that his opinion was based entirely on Spike's hairstyle, which isn't fair in the least.

So, I ran off to spend the rest of the week in bliss. I love Spike. He's affectionate. He's thoughtful. He's generous. He's obviously dedicated. He's gentle and considerate. He remains "the perfect man" for me. Here's an example: On Friday night I had my first Passion Party as a consultant. My dear friend Silver was kind enough to book one. Sadly, there was only one guest, out of the 15 she'd invited. It was a good experience none the less. I got to practice my routine in a comfortable environment and made some sales. When all was said and done, I was a bit tipsy and later than I'd promised getting back to Spike's apartment. Most men I've heard of, get jelous that their girl is out with the ladies. Lots of guys give the cold, brush off treatment when their girl returns home. Instead, do you know what Spike gave me when I got home? He presented me with a plate of homemade chocolate covered strawberries!!! Now, THAT's a MAN!! Read 'em and weep ladies. If dating was a poker game, I'd have a full house.

Regarding Silver's party... She's the only friend who's come through for me (so far) when it comes to supporting my new endeavor. As of yet, her Passion Party is the only one I've booked. I think she handed out at least 15 invitations. Only one guest showed. I feel bad for her. She did all the cooking and all the preparations. She got stood up. This book club we belong to has proven itself to be full of stuck up bitches. Out of a club of 13 members, none showed. The "cool" people who were invited all had valid excuses, so I'm not dogging them. Silver, Random and I need to start our own club. It was suggested, but I'm not sure how serious the other two ladies were. Call me "gung ho" on the idea. Random is a cool chick. Aside from the fact that I'd hook up with her if she were into girls and we were both single, she's a good person.

It's taken me far too long to realize just how great of a friend Silver is. On the surface, she seems tough and confident. While I can't think of any reason she shouldn't be completely full of herself, she's actually more humble than you might expect. She's sensitive. If you've hurt her feelings, she's not the kind of lady to get up in your face. She's also not the type to lay a guilt trip. Silver is so classy that she'll mask her disappointment. Even though she might feel slighted, she won't put it on display and try to get emotional revenge. She'll try to forgive you. I don't mean to say that she's got no dignity, not at all. If Silver is pissed, she'll tell you that she's pissed and list her reasons. She stands proud and projects a powerful presence. She's learned not to compromise. She'll certainly kick your ass if you deserve it.

But, she has a heart. She rewards her close friends with compassion and understanding. She got my brother a job. She tried to help him out even though there were conflicts. She booked a party for me. She put up Random and her family in her own home until they could stand on their own. And those are the big things. There have been times when she'd fed me and borrowed me nicotine. There have been times when, instead of letting me dwell in my depression, she's invited me over to watch Eddie Izzard and drink wine. Sometimes it's the little things that really make a difference.

What I'm really trying to say is, "Thanks Silver". You're appreciated more than you might know. You fuckin' ROCK and I think Shenry made a kick-ass choice when he married you. Someday, I'll get you back. Don't think I've forgotten.

6.14.2006

Neko's Decent Into Hell

I kicked ass today. I got up early, went to a job interview, finished my mixed CD and prepared for Silver's Passion Party. Whew. It's good that I took care of business. I've decided that being with Spike is a special treat. The only way I'll allow myself the intense pleasure of Spike's company, is if I finish everything on my mental "to do" list. Since I'm so keen on seeing him, it's the perfect incentive to get my ass moving. Plus, it kills time. I've still got 2 hours left before I leave for downtown and it's practically killing me! Chain smoking doesn't waste time like it should either and it's not doing much for my lungs.

Ghost, Shenry and Silver will be impressed that I finished my CD for them. I don't know what they'll think of the music, but the fact that I actually got it done should be amazing enough in itself. Following is the track listing for "Neko's Untimely Demise" and a brief explaination of each song. If you're on the list to get a copy, the next paragraph is a spoiler, read at your own risk.

Neko's Untimely Demise
The theme for this month's swap was "songs to play at your funeral". Sounds like something I'd pick, right? For the cover art, I drudged up a picture of a grave that I took in New Orleans last June.

Part 1: in case of death by gunfight, lover's quarrel, or unholy resurrection (i.e. Blaze of Glory)

You Know What They Do To Guys Like Us In Prison by My Chemical Romance

You know I had to include at least one song from my favorite band. I woulnd't be Neko without my seething obsession for Gerard Way. This track happens to also be my favorite song from My Chem. I think it's the ideal music to have playing in the background if you're in the process of robbing a bank and have to engage in a heated gunbattle with the feds. Freakin' Wicked Cool!!!!

Living Dead Girl by Rob Zombie

My recent outing with Silver to see Zombie has reignighted my love for the man. He's one of two guys I ever thought was hot wearing a belt buckle. I'd want this track playing during the scene where my hand thrusts out of the freshly piled earth that once was my grave. And then, my reanimated corpse wreaks havoc and eats brains, but somehow remains disturbingly sexy.

Love Ridden by Fiona Apple

I love Fiona Apple. She's the perfect person to listen to after you've broken up with someone. There's one particular song I'd love to dedicate to my ex-husband as a way of telling him to fuck off (as if the restraining order and prison weren't enough). This song however, has a "what the heck" kind of atmosphere. The girl's taking a chance and damn the consequences. I'd want my friends to listen to this at my wake and think, "Well, at least she died having fun."

Figured You Out by Nickelback

I loved this song forever and only recently discovered who it was. I think that the singer is offering a description of me and how I've led my life to some degree. Plus, I think it kicks ass and I couldn't resist adding it.

Vampires Will Never Harm You by My Chemical Romance

Here's a track from My Chem's first album, which I don't think "the public" has had all that much exposure to. I think the title is almost self-explainatory. I've got a thing for vampires.

Little Ghost by The White Stripes

It's a cute song. Maybe I'm trying to give hope to my mourning family that I might live happily onward on some etherial plane. I dig on ghosts as well.

Dani California by The Red Hot Chili Peppers

This one is close to being overplayed already. As the first single off the new album, the radio can't wait 5 minutes before repeating it. But, I think it's a good one. It's another one of those songs that I imagine some ex-boyfriend singing about me. yeah, I flatter myself. But the point is, I'm a crazy woman who went down in a blaze of glory, right?

The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance

Yup, another one. It's the song that inspired the theme for this swap and I loved it before it ever got radio play and MTV airtime. To me, the theme of the video doesn't really match my vision of what the song is about. If you manage to stop screaming into your pillow because Gerard is so damn smokin' and listen to the lyrics, it's really heartbreaking and sung with so much emotion.

Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine by The Killers

Silver and Shenry should get a kick out of just the title alone. If you don't know it already, the Killers' album "Hot Fuss" (hee hee, I typed hot buss) contains a trilogy of sorts about a guy who murders his girlfriend. It's funny (kinda) how many scenarios described by the songs on this mix are so likely to happen to me. Wouldn't it be ironic?

I'll go over the tracks on Part 2 later. I'm sick of typing.

6.13.2006

The Sun Shines Perpetually In Hell

Answer these questions (to yourself):

Do you love to smoke those cognac dipped mini-cigars?

Are you unemployed?

Are you a smoker?

Do you find yourself financially unprepared to care for a family that consists only of yourself and 2 cats?

Are you a drinker?

Are you ghetto white trash?

If you answered "yes" to any of the above questions, I have a small tip to make yourself miss those sweet little Al Capones a bit less. First, pull out a fresh cigarette from your almost-empty pack of Marlboro Lights. Then, go to the fridge, or cooler, or under your bed and pull out a full can of Milwaukee's Best. Light up. Next, hold the cigarette in the same hand as the beer and pop the can open. Make sure to splash some of the foam onto your Marlboro. Viola! You've now got a "Ghetto Al Capone"!

...Okay, that was stupid and pointless...

I've returned home from Spike's apartment and I'm fresh out of the shower. I managed to accomplish all but three of the tasks I set out to do yesterday. I didn't end up going to book club. Silver called me and she'd had a hard day at work, Random wasn't going to show because she's busy digging herself out from under boxes, and I hadn't even read the book. So, none of us went to book club. I had the unpleasant task of calling the hostess to advise her that she needn't be expecting us. The chick was a total cunt about it. I never liked her anyway. Cunt.

I didn't finish the mix cd for Shenry, Ghost and Silver. However, I did work on it, and it's not due until Friday. When I'm done here, I'll work on wrangling my chosen tracks into some kind of comprehendable order. I also didn't finish my lapbooks for Silver's Passion Party. That's not due until Friday either and some progress was made on that too. Everything else is done.

Tomorrow, I have a job interview. It's for some kind of consulting firm. I think they think I'm a paralegal. I'll see how long I can play along with that one. It sounds like it's way out in BFE, but if I get the job, I'll be moving soon and it won't be such a hassle to get there. Silver, Shenry, are you ready for a couple of new neighbors? I think I've found someone to put his name on the lease!

6.11.2006

Pulling My Head Out of Hell

It's half past midnight. I can't sleep. Big surprise, huh? I think that a review of the time signatures on this blog would show that most of my posts are between 10p and 2a. I can't really seem to ever sleep. You'd think that a six mile hike this afternoon, in the blazing hot sun, would tire me out, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I guess it's just as well, as Blogger has a "scheduled outage" for tomorrow morning. (Yeah, like I'd be up anyway) Correction - I can sleep, but it's only during daylight hours. Nosferatu anyone?

So, I'm laying there thinking, "Now that I've got the relationship part of my life pretty much handled, it's time to get cracking on the rest of life." I jumped up and logged on so I could remember later what it is that I'm thinking now. Normally, in a serious relationship, I have a tendancy to shut down everything else and focus entirely on that. That isn't a good thing. It's time to change that aspect of my personality. I think a relationship tends to suffer if each person doesn't take time to persue their own interests. That way, things tend to flow better. Each person can bring in new things to share with the other. It keeps things fresh. While I can't be with Spike right now (much as I'd love to), our time apart is healthy. I feel bad about myself when I slack too much and don't take care of business. When I see him again, it will be all that much sweeter. How does that saying go? "Absense make the heart grow stronger" or something like that?

Well, let's see what I've got to acomplish this week. I've got to apply for more jobs. I'll never get out of this house if I don't start bringing in a regular paycheck. I've got to apply for unemployment, damn it. I keep forgetting to do that. I have that mix cd to finish and give to Shenry. I have a Passion Party on Friday and I need to review my products, finish my lapbooks, and practice my presentation. That party will be key to any further business if I want to stay a consultant. I've got to refresh my fliers around the neighborhood. Also on Friday, I have an exam to take for a job with the State. It would be sweet if I got that one. Tomorrow night (tonight) I have book club. Haven't read the book, but it's important to maintain that aspect of my social calendar. I've failed to obtain the month's scheduled reading once before, and I didn't catch any flack, so I think it's safe.

So, here's what's on the agenda for tomorrow:
Look online for new jobs.
Apply for unemployment.
Refresh Passion Parties fliers.
Finish mix CD for Shenry, Ghost and Silver.
Work on lapbooks.
Go to Book Club.
Hopefully, see Spike.

That shouldn't be too much to handle in one day, assuming that I get up before noon. Alright, time to get cracking!

Who the Hell Are These Guys?

Try this. Move your cursor up to the address bar and delete the "blogspot." portion of this addy. Hit "go" or arrow, or whatever it is that makes the website change. ...thingie... You'll find yourself on the site for some kind of Russian band. Funky, eh? And here I thought I was original.

6.10.2006

Crow Is A Dish Best Served In Hell

It seems that I've got to revise something I posted a few posts back. Remember that rant about how love doesn't really exist? How it's all a fairy tale that never really comes true? Well, I find myself having to eat my words.

I met someone.

He's not just anyone. In fact, if there truly is, as they say, someone out there for everyone, I'm almost completely positive that I've found him. For the purposes of this blog, I'll call him "Spike". The nickname is due to the fact that Mr. Wonderful sports a 12"+ tall mohawk. (*swoon*) We met on MySpace (I'll have to eat crow about internet dating later) and it was amazing from the beginning. Each responding email was full of "ohmygosh, you like...too?" There were movies I didn't think anyone else had seen. There were bands I didn't think anyone else had heard of. And it turns out that not only had he heard of all these things, but he really liked them too. Then came the shocker (hi Shenry). I was scrolling through his profile and noticed something about vegetarianism. I swifted an email, daring to hope for a second, to ask him if he was, in fact, a veggie as well. The answer was "yes" and that's when I knew we had to meet in person.

So, we met and promptly fell head over heels for each other. This time I'm sure it's not a one way street. I'm sure there's no lie behind his eyes. No doubts. I won't say that there haven't been fears and that I haven't been afraid. I've wondered, "Can this be for real? Is this one of those dreams where I imagine an entire loving relationship and wake up alone?" I've been frightened by the strength of my emotions. I've remembered how I've been hurt before, cautious about letting myself hope, and afraid that maybe I'm being fooled again. Those feelings have lessened. They're still there, but they're not poking their nasty heads up as often.

We only met a week ago. A little bubble pops up over my shoulder with my therapists face and she says, "Slow down". Spike and I are moving at light speed if you heed the conventional advice. But, I don't think either one of us are conventional people. Something Roach said to me today on the phone gave me courage. She told me that it's okay to say all these things I'm already hoping for. She let me know that when it's right, it's right and fuck all the prohibitive quotations. She's married to the first man she gave herself to and they've been together 10 years. She's someone I'm not suspicious of taking advice from.

So, if you're reading this Spike (and I don't think he is), "yes" to everything. Yes, I want to live with you. Yes, I would consider taking a second chance on marriage. Yes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't think I've ever been this happy. Have you ever been on such an emotional high that your feelings don't have anywhere else to go except out of your tear ducts? Have you ever cried when someone told you they loved you and you knew they meant every syllable? Have you ever been so certain of something that you'll let nothing get in the way? Right now, that's me all over. You won't see anyone else's name on this blog for a long time. Even if all these hopes and dreams that I'm daring to wish for never come true, I'm in heaven right now and that's what really matters.

Other men? Well, I was seeing a few and a couple of them deserve a sincere apology. First, there's Chucky. Hey, Chucky, I know it's spineless of me to break things off in such a fashion, but that's the way it is. You were sweet and nice and didn't do a thing to make me like you any less. I had fun with you. If you can bear to see me again, I'd still like to go shooting and see your band. But, you've got to know that there's only one man in my heart and that's not going to change anytime soon. I still have your shorts. Want them back? I hate to let you down and I hate to make you feel bad, but that's what I have to do. I should have done a better job of this, but I just couldn't face it. You're a great guy and I wish you the best.

Hello Mayor McCheese. I haven't heard from you in a while and I get the impression that you aren't interested anymore anyway, so I don't feel so bad about letting you know. We had some good times. I hope things are looking up for you and I think you'd be a great friend to have. Maybe you'll keep in touch now, knowing that I don't have any designs on your future. I hope the fish is alive.

That's about it. "Guy from the bank" guy has a phobia of committment and we got along well, but there was never any premise of a future.

So, now there's only one man in my life and I sincerely hope that it stays that way forever. Spike, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

6.02.2006

I Am Hell’s Burning Wreckage

I actually drove somewhere today. Speeding down Kipling on the way back home, I catch a glimpse of red. I decide that the traffic signal by the grocery strip mall isn’t something I need to stop for. The front end of my ancient Nissan barely clears the crosswalk before it makes 45 mph contact with something large. Looking up, after what seems like an eternity, and blinking the red sticky liquid from my eyes, I think I see a police car through the haze. The cruiser looks like it was hit by a meteor. As the paramedics cut me from my burning vehicle, I think that maybe I should have put $12 in the tank, instead of a superstitiously doomed $13. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up in the ER.

What you just read didn’t actually happen. You might have been clued in by the fact that I couldn’t blog from my theoretical hospital bed. But, here’s what did happen. I saw the light. I stopped in time. The first car to cross the intersection to my left was a Sheriff’s vehicle. No accident. No burning wreckage. Everyone’s safe. But, I did put the 13 bucks daddy left me this morning into the gas tank. Good thing that number’s never been an unlucky one for me.

These are the kinds of visions I’ve been having. They sometimes trigger a panic attack. It’s good that I’ve learned to control “panic mode” to a certain degree. Have you ever seen any of the Final Destination movies? It’s like looking for signs. And while it’s unlikely that I’ll ever find myself in an elevator with a perverted old man holding a box of prosthetic arms, I sometimes feel like I’m getting ½ of a premonition. Just promise me that if I die, you’ll go into my apartment and clean out all the porn and drug paraphanellia before my mom sees it.

They started after my “situation” with the ex and haven’t quit or subsided in the almost two years they’ve been going on. They don’t haunt me strictly in motor vehicles either. Sometimes I’ll see jagged glass in the street and envision the child whizzing around on his scooter crashes just shy of the glittery debris. But then, his momentum slides him across the gravel like a human hunk of cheese and a piece of broken beer bottle flies up and takes out his eye; little flecks of flesh sticking to the rocky terrain. Granted, I do have a sick mind and sometimes imagine these things of my own free and somewhat vindictive will. Sometimes I hope that the asshole and his Beamer that just cut me off will careen into the embankment and Mr. Playgirl model will brake his nose beyond all cosmetic reconstruction on the steering wheel. Ha ha! That sort of thing (and a liberal middle finger) keeps down my road rage. But, that’s completely different from these “visions”.

Should I even label my anxious hypocondria as “visions”? As far as I know, they don’t ever come to pass. I’ve had ones that do, but those almost always come to me in my sleep. Once, I experienced a curious blending of the two. I was sitting facing upward on a hill. The region was in the midst of a snowstorm and, on that day, it took me 3 hours to get to work, whereas it was usually a 45 minute drive. Okay, so I’m sitting in traffic on an icy uphill slope. I thought to myself, “What if the lady in the Volvo in front of me suddenly lost traction on the ice and started sliding in reverse towards me?” Then, not two seconds later, that very same thing happened. Surprise, surprise.

What’s the point of this post, after all? I’m not trying to claim that I’m clairvoyant. I’m not trying to advertise the Final Destination series. I’m not intentionally trying to give the impression that I’m looney, although I think that’s probably apparent after a few reads. Nope. None of the above apply here. I guess I’m just babbling like always. Maybe this is just another creative writing exercise. But, if you see me flinch and go vacant for a few seconds, you’ll know that I sense impending disaster.

That said, I’m of f to the shooting range to blast some paper into oblivion. Who says paranoia and guns are a bad combination? Actually, who says that vegitarians are non-violent?!