Dear Hell, Merry Christmas, Love Neko

As you can see by the new counter, I relapsed into smoking again over the holiday. It seems that I just couldn't stand 4 days at home with my family without lighting up. So, I am going to try again and try again and try again as many times as it takes until I finally quit. The difference in the way I feel, physically, is acutely noticable, as is the difference in my mental state. I'm horribly unhappy lately, but feel physically better when I don't smoke.

I've started a "fitday" account and am trying to keep track of what goes into the belly. There's a brand new jumprope and set of weights on my bedroom floor, looking to be put into action soon. Maybe tonight, I'll start that workout regimen that Shenry pencilled out for me. At the very least, I should find my yoga book. I picked up a fitness book at the bookstore today, with my gift certificate. We'll give the whole body health thing a try.

The only reason I haven't spent any money lately is that I don't have any. In fact, my bank account is overdrawn and I owe the check cashing place part of my next paycheck. So, the spending is under control if only out of necessity. I've got my lunch in the fridge, which I'm forgetting for the past 2 hours. Crap. I went downstairs to the crappy cafeteria and bought my regular coffee (3 creamers) there instead of Starbucks. I told myself that I'd allow a daily trip to Starbucks only until Christmas was over. So, it's the shitty coffee for me until I can consistantly remember to grind my own the night before.

I'm telling you, once I get this shit down and keep after myself for it, life will be sweet. In about 6 months, life will be great, but only if I can keep up the discipline. Hmmm....Neko could use a little discipline, couldn't she?

Hell Takes An Intermission

Oh, glorious and happy wonderment! Oh, skippy happy bunnies! Oh, delightful blue skies and lollipops! My gloom has momentarily lifted.

Was it only yesterday that I writhed with anger and fustration? At lunch, I was walking around the ped mall downtown and invented a new game for myself to quiet the evil inside me. I imagined that I had the power to decide who lives and who dies on the spot. So, I amused myself by assigning a "live" or "die" status to each passerby. No, I haven't reached the level of crazy that would have me randomly yelling at strangers. It was all in my head, I assure.

One might think that I'd be pleased to return home after a long day of work. It's a pleasure to return to a warm place with a bed and my kitties, but I loathe the company of my Father and Brother. I barely speak to them and when I do, it's what bare minimum I can muster without exploding in violent rage. I drink A LOT. I try to do as much as I can before the alcohol fades me blissfully to incoherance. Then, I just lie in bed and watch movies. It's a wonderful life, eh?

Yesterday I found out that my bank account was over drawn by...say...$100. There were checks that I needed to clear that hadn't even hit the bank yet. How did my money evaporate so quickly? It's almost inconceivable. How depressing. I sat in bed last night and thought about cutting myself. I considered cutting little patterns in the tops of my feet with an Exacto blade. Thought about how it would feel. But I didn't do it. I'm medicated now and those little pills don't let me do anything gruesome like that. I bet it would have felt good. Maybe it would have released some of this agression.

But....today I took care of my financial issue (or rather, the emergency has passed) and I hooked myself up with an advanced floor ticket to Magness Arena on March 4th. Who's playing you ask? Why, ONLY THE GREATEST BAND TO GRACE THE FACE OF THIS DARK EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! (Neko commences to scream like a lovestruck groupie.)

Hell Gets Through

Well, what do you know. All that bitchin' and gripin' and it looks like I'm once again able to access Blogger Beta. I figured that if I gave it a few days, whatever content that had been plastered on their site would be refreshed. What a relief. It's like my mind has been constipated for days! It's too bad that I've forgotten all of my good ideas. Something will come to me later.

Hell Is Forbidden

The internet filter at work has decided that the Blogger Beta site where I log in to make my posts at little tragedies has something to do with "sex" and so, I have been blocked from accessing it. That, my friends, is the reason behind the sudden lack of output on my part. I've had loads of bloggable ideas that have been strangled by this lack of available release. I'm feeling ill. Not sick like, "oh, my stomach" sick. Sick like, "I don't know how much more I can stand" sick. A toxicity of negative thoughts poisoning my habits as of late. Writhing inside myself and eating away at the layers of stability and sanity like so many maggots feast on rotten flesh.

I don't mean to be so melodramatic. It's just that I can't seem to bring myself to do much more than drink lately. Fuck. I need to do things, important things, but I'm self-medicating to escape this choking feeling and it's a vicious cycle.

Who the Hell Wants to Know

I grabbed this from Phx.

You can only answer one word. No explanations.

1. Yourself
Dark

2. Your Spouse
Dead

3. Your Hair
Unkempt

4. Your Mother
Grey

5. Your Father
Trying

6. Your Favorite Item
Electric

7 . Your Dream Last Night
Tangled

8. Your Favorite Drink
Izze

9. Your Dream Car
Shelby

10. The Room You're In
Trapped

11. Your Ex
Bastard

12. Your Fear
Water

13. What You Want to Be in 10 Years?
Rich

14. Who You Hung Out With Last Night
Me

15. What You're Not
Happy

16. Muffins
Cranberry

17. One of Your Wish-List Items
Book

18. Time
Go

19. The Last Thing You Did
Typed

20. What You Are Wearing
Black

21. Your Favorite Weather
Balmy

22. Your Favorite Book
Arunhati

23. The Last Thing You Ate
Kiss

24. Your Life
Wasted

25. Your Mood
Upset

26. Your Best Friend
Who

27. What You're Thinking About Right Now
Home

28. Your Car
Trash

29. What You Are Doing at the Moment
Answering

30. Your Summer
Past

31. Your Relationship Status
Sucks

32. What is On Your TV
MCR

33. What is the Weather Like
Cold

34. When is the Last Time You Laughed
Forgot

Click Here to Visit Hell

I've been adding links lately. They're mostly for my personal use. You know, as a sort of "favorites" list. But, I guess they describe my interests and thusly tell things about me as a person. Maybe I just want to say, "Hey, look at this bad-ass list of shit I found!". Regardless, I think I'm in love with Phil. Is it okay to have a crush on someone just from reading their blog for a couple of days? Initially, I thought that Phil was one of Ghost's students. Ghost, incidentally, has some cool-ass links on his blog. I've stolen a few. I found a sweet t-shirt shop via Cute Overload this morning and I linked that puppy too. There are stacks of shirts I want to order, like, "My Other Ride Is In Your Pants." Freakin' classic shit, man! Love it!

Oi, so the weekend was a bear to manage without the smoking. I did it though. I was really tempted to puff one on the sly, but, ultimately, I resisted.

...crud...don't you hate when work interferes with blogging?....

Hell vs. The Ninja

I have no reason to want one of these, but I do anyway. That's 'cuz I'm a ninja. Word.

Pointy Hellbows

I'm really not holding up well against the lure of alcohol. Last night I finished off the Fat Bastard and slammed two raspberry Woodchucks. (yes, I know how it sounds) I still, however, did not smoke. I am the calm little center around which the world revolves. Or not. I found out that the USB Flash drive that I spent fifty bucks on is not compatible with my Dad's version of Windows. So, I either have to find a way to upgrade Windows for free (or at least cheaply) or try and exchange the sucker for a different USB drive. Upgrading Windows would be preferable, because the existing version is so old, it doesn't work with anything else either. But, I'll be damned if I'm going to spend money on a new Windows program at the store. Fuck a bunch of that.

I had a target for today's angry letter, but the cunt I sat next to this morning deserves one first.

Dear Lady-On-The-Train-With-Rude-Elbows,

Excuse me. Um...do you think you could not keep jabbing me with your effing elbows, please? I mean, once, twice ~ that I could understand. It's a crowded train. But, consistently for a whole thirty minutes?! You've got to know that you're doing it, unless you have so much disregard for the people around you. So, you want to hilight your stupid book on the train, huh? Well, hows about I hilight the inside of your colin with that thing? Hello, there's someone sitting here! Yeah, right next to you there's a time-bomb of a woman with a boiling hot desire to clobber someone just ticking away in the seat beside you. And what do you do?! You keep effing poking me!! I cannot abide your apparent lack of respect for my personal space. You're lucky I don't just push you off the end of the seat and let you cram your pointy little head into the crotch of that fat guy standing in the isle. Oh, but I couldn't stop there. Once my feet made contact with your brittle bones, I couldn't resist the urge to keep stomping and stomping until they'd need dental records to I.D. your body. So, this is what you get:

I hereby call upon the divine powers of my ancient Greek ancestors and summon the anger of my cursed Gypsy blood to rain down upon you the following devine retribution:

May the smoldering ends of a thousand lit cigars of a thousand careless men be pressed into your flesh until the smell of melting skin forever lingers in your sinuses.

Affectionately,

Neko

Maybe This Will Hellp

As I walked around downtown this afternoon, my eyes were practically bulging with rage. I just can't seem to tolerate people lately. I swear, only about 10% of people out there don't make me want to gut them on the spot. I do try to find something to appreciate. Whether it's "That girl has a nice smile" or "I dig that guy's shoes", I try to find at least some miniature justification for their life on Earth. How dare I presume, right? It's the fact that I know I'm being a psycho about it that keeps me from trying to slaughter the masses. Of course, the minute anyone tries talking to me, I'm all peaches and cream. It's just your garden-variety urge to slap a moron silly, magnified through the lens of a maddening nicotine craving.

And I was doing just fine this morning. I was relaxing and appreciating how it feels to be free from the shackles of addiction. I was breathing the fresh air and humming sweetly to myself, ala Snow White. Oh well. I've managed to hold out this long. Why not go for the long haul? That was my intention in the first place, but the further I get along this road, the easier it is. I did, however succomb to a half glass of wine last night. Oh, and a quarter package of Dark Chocolate M&Ms. And I did spend fifty bucks on a USB Flash drive that I can't seem to get to work. So, I phuqed up all over the place, except for the cigarette department. I did learn that having a drink still makes it harder to avoid the tobacco, so I guess I need to keep away from it for the time being.

Maybe (I'm thinking) that writing letters to all of the assholes I see everyday would help me release some of the boiling hostility within. Isn't that what shrinks recommend? I'd ask mine if I wasn't avoiding her because I owe her money. Here's the first of many:

Dear Mr. Spit-On-The-Sidewalk Guy;

Wow, that was attractive. I just can't tell you how hot I get when I see a man shoot a loogie onto the pavement. What the Hell makes you think that it's alright to just go ahead and spit there? Is it some kind of "man" thing? I hardly ever see women do that. Is there some kind of macho creed out there that says "because I have a dick, I can pollute the world with my disgusting expactorate"? Do you think the rest of us enjoy walking on your spit? Don't you think that maybe you're spreading your germs all over the place and maybe the spread of the flu and things like that might be reduced a little less if you didn't fucking spit right out on the fucking sidewalk???!!!! If you absolutely, positively, have to spit, find a trash can, a tissue, a handkerchief, an ashtray, a sink, a fur coat, or some other sicko's mouth to do it in. When I see guys like you, I only get one impression. That impression is, "What an ignorant, unattractive, inconsiderate, vile, fucking moron."

I hereby call upon my ancient Greek powers of divine retribution and my cursed Gypsy blood to rain down upon you the following punishment.

May you be tied naked inside a bathtub, filled with the spit of a thousand homeless men.

Yours Truly,

Neko.

...the Hell?

What the eff?!

There is truly some weird shit on the internet.

Counting the Hours In Hell

As you can see by the counter to the right, it's been some time since I had a smoke. I still haven't touched a single solitary cigarette. I haven't touched a drop of booze either. Doing alright so far, if I say so myself. It's really hard when my brother sits down next to me on the couch with a lit cigarette in his hand. I can smell it, and although it's not a particularly pleasant smell, it makes the craving worse. My alergies are going crazy now as well. Normally, my nasal passages are so coated with tar and ash that the allergens can't get through. Now that I'm not pumping my system full of smoke regularly, the protective coating of crap has melted away. So, I sneeze. And my eyes water. Fun.

I had thought that I warned people to stay away from me. I remember specifially mentioning that I was planning to quit smoking and to quit drinking and that I likely wasn't going to be in the best possible mood. People never listen. And so they're going to piss me off and I'm going to snap and somehow it will all be my fault. Bastards. Last night I was rummaging around in my boxes, trying to find my Sublime CD and I was cussing and swearing like I had a bad case of Turrets (I know that's probably not the correct spelling). My dad just had to come down and ask what I was doing. Let me ask this: if you saw a wild wolverine that was showing signs of rabies infection, would you go up to it and ask it questions? I should hope not.

I was trying to fix my brother's computer too, and it was really, really, REALLY trying my ability to control myself. I was SO close to putting my fist through that fucking monitor. I wanted to grab the damn disc tray and rip it out of the damn housing and stomp on it until it was unrecognizable. Grrrr!!!! How do I manage to keep my temper?? Years and years of suppression.

My First Day in Hell

Ok...breathe...fheh, fheh.
Relax those muscles....whhh, whhh.
Fight urge to kill....haah, haah.

It has now been exactly 30hours and 40minutes since my last cigarette. I managed to ride in a car and hang out last night with two people smoking. I didn't ask for a toke, or nothin'! When I got home, there was one, unsmoked cigarette (my Dad's) resting, one end propped up on the rim of a clean ashtray, gleaming, white, mocking. It grinned its addiction smile across the kitchen counter directly at a half empty bottle of wine.

The hippo on the label of the Fat Bastard 2004 Shiraz winks back a French wink at the stogie. It grins as well. It wouldn't be nearly as tempting if it were a full bottle of wine. As it is though, it's like a task incomplete. It's the 299th and 300th gems in level 6 of Spyro that still haven't been collected. That's okay though. I know it's waiting and I know it's going to wait, right there, until January.

I didn't touch the cigarette. I didn't touch the vino. I am a model of will-power!

The only blunders last night were financially and nutritionally and even they weren't horrible. I went and saw Turistas with Silver, Shenry's cousin (I'll let him give her a nick name), and Poland. As usual, my phone crapped out during the day and I had to walk to Shen's house with the same uncertainty as I do every Thursday - will someone be home, or will I have to trot my happy-ass back through the ghetto again? So, I was uncertain as to what time we were to see the movie, etc. So, I didn't eat on the way there.

By the time we got to the theatre, I was starved. I got myself a hot pretzel with cheese. First of all, just as with everything else at the movies, I got reamed on the price. Secondly, I don't know how it's possible to screw up a hot pretzel, but this one was fucked. Third, "Nacho Cheese" isn't the healthiest thing in the world. It's likely not even vegitarian. Eeesh.

To sum up, I shouldn't have spent the dough for that dough. I can't say I regret spending money on the flick though.

Decembre Con El Diablo in El Inferno

This month, I am attempting to make up for all that procrastinating during the rest of the year. On January 1st, 2006 I made reservations, New Year's Reservations. I haven't accomplished dick in the past 11 months, so December is crack-down month! There's still a chance I can beat some of those goals. So, starting this morning, I have begun a laundry list of activities:

I'm going to quit smoking - cold turkey.
I'm going to quit drinking - until January.
I'm going on a diet - until my weight gets back down.
I'm not spending any money - except on food and gas.
I'm beginning to sketch out an exercise routine.

Just to keep myself on task, I've got to report in to Little Tragedies, fully confessing any breaches of this contract, in order to hold myself accountable on a daily basis. It's probably a good idea to stay out of my way for a while. I'm not liable to be very pleasant company. Already, I'm going cross-eyed with nicotine cravings. The first person who bumps into me on the bus this afternoon will have their eyes clawed out, details at 9.

Happy Hellidays

I want to put this pic on all of my Christmas cards this year. It SO rocks!

Snoop Santa

Postcards from Hell

I was cruising around the web, looking for something to read, looking for some inspiration for my next movie review, looking for some way to kill the next 2hours and 45minutes until I get to leave the office, when I came upon this, via ghost's blog. It has much the same appeal as Found Magazine, if you're familiar. It's like being an anonymous voyer into another anonymous someone's private life for just a moment. I guess that's much of what reading blogs is all about, but take a look and see for yourself. I might even consider submitting something myself. I used to trade these things called "decos" when I was more into the penpal thing. They're basically a homemade booklet with a theme. The booklet is passed from person to person and each recipient must decorate a page following the theme and pass it on. Some of the entries on this Post Secret site remind me of pages from those books.

Looks like I'm helping out at a concert tonight after work. Should be fun. I don't know who's playing though, but I'll likely get to meet them. Now, I just have to find a way to get down there without a car...

It Sticks Like Hell

Things that stick to black clothing:

Cat hair, lint, dryer sheets, socks, underwear, dust, snow, styrafoam, thread, confetti, yarn, glitter, glitter glue, eyelashes, mud, spooge, snot, hair, cat litter, crumbs, small shreds of paper, horse hair, dog hair, gerbil hair, gerbil snot, drool, coffee, mustard, cigarette ashes, miscenllaneous odors, sewing needles, dust bunnies, post-it notes, blankets, tiny rocks, paperclips, static, tissues, rain, little beatles, orange juice, marmalade, sour cream, whipped cream, cream cheese, cat food, dirt, hair balls, tears, lipstick, paste, sequins, beads, bandaids, duct tape, ice cream, tinsel, sawdust, cobwebs, leaves, very thin sticks, gum, candy canes, fudge, pumpkin pie, creamer, whipped cream, ointment, probably dust mites, germs, lotion, hand soap, synthetic fibers, burrs and thorns, sand, salt water, striped knee high socks, toilet paper, napkins, claw encasments from the cat, contact lenses, and sense of doom.

Oh My Gohd, What the Hell Have I Done?!

Yeah....so I switched over to the Beta version of Blogger.....this is going to be a headache to fix...

Six Subtle Traces of Hell

I wanna play too!! (tagged by my mom, via Shenry)

Six random things about Neko that you probably didn't know:

1. I've always wanted to know how to dance well.

2. I have dreams that I'm helping Japanese tourists find their way around.

3. When I was a kid, I used to have a cluster of gnarly warts on my big toe. I still cover that toe when I stand barefoot.

4. I don't ride bicycles because someone once called me the Wicked Witch of the West while I was on one.

5. All but one of the scars on my body are self-inflicted.

6. I think it would be fun to have a penis just for one day.

They Like it When Hell Freezes Over

What is the deal with penguins these days? Yesterday, I stepped off of the light rail in the morning and a person in a penguin suit handed me a fortune cookie. I didn't eat the cookie because the wrapper was open. Years of trick-or-treating has taught me never to eat something that's not completely sealed. It should have also taught me not to take things from penguins, but I guess not. I did open the cookie to see what my fortune was. Apparently, my future holds public transportation advertisements. I felt screwed. Screwed by a penguin. Shenry says that penguins have large penis, so maybe I shouldn't complain.

But, again, what's the deal with penguins these days? There's a new penguin animated movie out, it seems that every marketing agency has adopted the penguin as it's new whore, and they seem to be everywhere. I imagine that it started with that March of the Penguins movie. Although I haven't seen the thing personally, I hear it was wildly popular. I'm just not sure how the concept of flightless arctic birds became trendy. They're cute and all, but why such an insurgance of popularity now?

Into the Darkness of Hell

I have finally realized the one singular word that describes me best: dark.

I am physically dark.
My eyes and hair are dark. My complexion is dark (that's Italian dark, not African dark) My lungs are almost certainly black. The circles around my eyes are dark. I am always wearing a black garment of some form or another, if not dressed completely in black. The only makeup I wear is either red or black. I don't buy any clothes unless they're black or grey or have skulls or something.

I am psychologically dark.
My mood is usually dark. My sense of humor is dark. I like to lurk in shadowy places. My favorite color is black. My past is truly dark. My future almost certainly will be dark. My thoughts are regularly grim.

My interests are dark.
My favorite band is My Chemical Romance. I like art that blends the adorable with the gruesome. I enjoy walking around in cemetaries. I'd love to drive a Herse. My favorite movies are horror films and quirky french tales and Tim Burton. I have a black cat. I am have a preoccupation with haunted places and serial killers.

Yes, "dark" is indeed the word that describes me best. What's your word?

Starfuckers in Hell

A young woman stops at the street corner to adjust her black and grey striped stockings. She's dressed from head to toe entirely in black and shades of grey, except for an extra long blue knitted scarf that almost touches the ground, despite being wrapped around her neck twice. She scans the marque scrolling todays headlines across the newspaper agency's stone face while she waits for the light to turn.

Green. She carries herself, hands tucked into armpits to keep warm, across the busy intersection to the Starbucks coffee haus. Inside, she steps past a vagrant asking for the restroom key to make her way to the counter. The slender boy behind the counter, who obviously favors the company of men in his off-time, asks, "What can we get you today?"

"Yes, I'll have a Grande..." she pauses and twirls her finger in the air for a moment, "Gingerbread latte. Make it a triple shot."

"Grande triple shot Gingerbread latte!" shouting toward the barista.
"That'll be $4.52." quietly to the young woman.

She hands him a five dollar bill and he says something like, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, this morning?"

She smiles and nods, playing along.

Once outside, she sets her steaming drink on a white iron patio table that wobbles like a frat boy at last call. A moment of digging into her black hole of a purse yeilds a smoke and a purple lighter. She lights her cigarette, picks up her latte, and heads off across the street again. A teenage boy crossing from the other direction stares at her as if he's never seen a woman before. She dismisses his gaze with a haughty rolling of the eyes.

"Boys are so dumb" she thinks to herself as she climbs the hill toward a tall, marble government building.

Hellatious

The cat situation is finally handled. Jiji came home on Friday with a bunch of meds, a bandage, and a $2,500.00 invoice. Jesus Fucking Christ. I had no idea that it could be so outrageously expensive to have pets. Initially, I was freaking the fuck out because the full amount of the vet bill is due upon release of kitty kitty. I thought I was going to have to start mugging people at the light rail station for the dough. However, my Dad came to the rescue and applied for the kitty credit card which allows you to pay off the vet immediately without dropping the entire sum in one go. So, I will be able to make payments to my father in a gradual way instead of having to prostitute myself.

I'm very happy that Jiji came through. There was some concern for a bit that he wouldn't make it. I wasn't sure that I'd see him again. Since I've had my furry companion for about 10 years, I've grown very attached to him. So, it would have killed me to have to put him to sleep. Glad I didn't have to make that choice. However, chasing him down twice a day to shove meds down his throat isn't much fun (for either of us). Keeping him confined to my bedroom (to make sure he pees) isn't great either, especially after Toby's quarantine. Why are all my cats getting sick??

Things could have turned out much worse than they did. I may have had to fork over a grip of cheddar and lost my best friend in the process. But, neither happened and I feel like I got away by the seat of my pants. If this wasn't a wake-up call, I don't know what is. It all comes down to money. Money, money, money. It's what makes the world go 'round (if you think it's love, get your head out of your ass). I've got to completely stop spending and also find myself a second job. That's the only way I'm going to move on from here.

In other depressing news, I haven't heard a peep from any of my friends since my Halloween party on the 4th. I must have been much more out of control than normal. I must have single handedly offended every single one of them. It's possible. I can do some stupid shit when I'm that drunk. I would have thought that maybe I was overreacting. However, I haven't heard from a single solitary person, so I figure that since nobody has contacted me, they must have all made a secret pact to avoid me and my embarassing behavior for good. That's okay, I guess, provided that I deserve it. I haven't felt much like talking to anyone either. Not because of anyone else. Just that I've been really stressed and depressed and can't bring myself to be social. I'm also a little embarassed with myself. Oh well, que sera sera.

Hell Can Always Get Hotter

If there's one thing I've learned from life, it's this: No matter how bad you think things are, they can always get worse. Now, this might seem like a very pessimistic way of looking at things, and indeed, I am a pessimist. However, the key to this, as with most knowledge, is how it is applied. For instance, if life is delivering lemons, there's no cause to despair. Because, having lemons is better than having nothing at all. Down the line, it could be turnips and those lemons may look great in retrospect. So, bitching about the lemons isn't the best move. Maybe I subconsiously feel that mourning today's losses somehow invites more misfortune for the future. If life consistently gets worse, then maybe dealing with the present prepares us for the next bomb to drop.

The point is, I was just bitching and moaning about my lack of finances and acceptable living situation. I was fustrated with myself for not applying my resources more carefully. Boo hoo, woe is me, right?

Well, I arrived at home later that same day and my father mentioned, "Hey, you might want to check out Jiji. He doesn't look too good." Jiji is one of my cats, by the way. So, I went downstairs and he was laying on my bed. When I approached him, he didn't lift his head or meow or twitch his ears or anything. I had to check to see if he was even breathing. I decided that it was time to rush him to the emergency animal clinic.

My first cause for despair came in the form of the estimated cost of his treatment. It was well over a G. I don't have that kind of money just laying around. But, I thought that I should go ahead with the procedure. After all, my cat is far more important to me than money. At this clinic, the billed amount is due in one lump sum and there is only one "payment plan" type of option available. It's a credit card provided by the vet. With my credit, I shouldn't have even bothered to fill out the application.

So, there I found myself with an even larger and inanticipated obstacle to my relocation. I went home with that burden and went to work the next day. I thought, again, "woe is me, boo hoo, life sucks." And then life said, "BWA! HA HA HA HA!" That following night (which would be last night), I returned from casting my votes. My father said that he'd spoken with my cat's vet, who explained that my cat had only a 25% chance of survival. Dad said I should start thinking about putting Jiji to sleep. Great, just great. I was mortified.

Spoke with my vet today though, and heard that the animal may recover and "just another night in the hospital" (i.e. another 500 bucks). I'm terribly happy at the chance that I might indeed bring my beloved Jiji home. But, I'm terribly desperate to find a way to pay this bill.

So there it is. Perspective.

Hellish Monday

My depression has given way to a mid-high level of anxiety. I am supressing a seemingly constant onslaught of panic attacks. I'm sweaty. I feel ill. It's not to the point at which I'm tearing my hair out, but I can see that happening in the near future. The cause, to this moment, is unknown. I have my suspicions that it is a stress issue. I should have kept up with my meds better this past week. I'm on them now, but I've been spotty on the upkeep lately.

I imagine the stress to be brought on by two things: money and lack of suitable living situation. It's almost Christmas. I'm freaking out.

How long before I lose it completely, I wonder. How long before I have a complete mental breakdown and have to be hospitalized? It doesn't seem far off now. Oh god, I feel sick.

Heavy In Hell

It’s amazing how quickly my body loses and gains weight. I’ve never been above 130 and once was a shocking 99 pounds. The latter was gross and disturbing. My thighs didn’t even touch in the middle. How sick is that? That’s before I kicked the heroin. The likelihood of weighing 99 pounds again is, thankfully, very slim (ha ha).

However, tipping the scales at 130 is gross and disturbing in its own fashion. I can’t look at myself in the mirror nude anymore without loathing myself completely. I see all the little puckers of cellulite and the sagging skin and the age and I want to cry and barf at the same time, while holding a gun barrel in my mouth. Dramatic, eh?

Right now, my friends who read this are thinking something like, “Whatever Neko! You are so not fat!!” It’s true. I’m not obese or even “chubby” really. It’s just that I’m not used to looking this way and I know I could change it if I just got off my expanding ass. But, I’m lazy. And, I can think of a million excuses. So what do I do? I just don’t eat for a couple of days. Real healthy, right?

But, not eating for 2 days, loses me 5 pounds just like that. The jeans that were almost too tight to breathe in a couple of days ago are having trouble grabbing my hips today. Just two days of absolutely no food intake kill the pounds like a flesh eating virus. It also makes me dizzy and shaky. Yes, I know starvation and anorexia are not the keys to healthy weight loss. I know smoking a cigarette whenever I get the munchies will not do me a whole lot of good. Chemo would really help me drop the weight, wouldn’t it?

The thing is, I can’t seem to keep an interest in myself long enough to commit to a steady standard of living that improves my health. On the good days, I aspire to cut out the donuts and snack on the celery. On the bad days, I just don’t give a fhuk and stay in bed all day. It’s a good thing I don’t pig out when I’m depressed. I do just the opposite.

I normally walk instead of taking the bus whenever possible. I almost always take the stairs throughout my day at work. I don’t eat meat or much in the way of sweets. So, there are a couple of miniscule things I do for my health. Actually, I do these things more out of impatience than anything else. I have nightmares about being trapped in elevators. Gyms cost money.

What I need is to get on a healthy regimen. I need to get back into yoga. I need to exercise regularly and eat more fresh veggies. I need to get my own place so that I feel the freedom to work out. Join a gym? They’re really expensive. I look like a dork and I’m embarrassed to be athletic in front of other people. Mostly, it’s because I don’t know what I’m doing. What’s an “oblique”? or a “tricep”? How do I know how many reps of what to do and how often? Hire a personal trainer? Ha! There’s the money thing again. And I can’t stand the type of person who spends enough time in the gym to be a “personal trainer”.

The most health conscious person I know is Shenry. I think I’d be able to work out in front of him without being totally beside myself with embarrassment. But, he’s on his Olympic weight lifting trip right now. He and I would be at completely different levels as far as fitness are concerned. There’s a scheduling issue as well.

So, for now it’s a diet of stress and nicotine. When I get an apartment, I’ll try to improve things. I’ll just have to be bloated and depressed until then. And yes, I would like some cheese with my whine.

Happy Hell-oween!!

Take a look at this comic. I think it's cute and appropriately themed for today.

I'm on my way after work to get a new tattoo. I think that it's going to be my annual Halloween tradition to go and get ink. Here's a peek at my design:



It was drawn by Jason Borne, so don't try to rip of the design, you bastards!!

I love Halloween (grin). It's absolutely my favorite holiday, without exception. Surprised?

Side of Brain, Marinated in Hell

If I could just slow my brain down a moment, I think it would help. I'm terribly depressed today, but my mind is moving a mile a minute and none of it is productive. Maybe if I could just focus for a bit and think about some solutions to my many issues, I wouldn't feel so lost. It's driving me nuts. I wish I could just go back to sleep. I can't tell if the meds are helping or making things worse. My stomach is sick. I need to eat something or I'm gonna ralph. That and the weather and my brain are making me miserable.

Nothing seems to help aside from listening to the new MCR album, which I can't do while I'm here in the office. I know it sounds lame to blame my happiness on a band, but music often has healing properties. It helps me focus and takes control of my emotions for me. It's a welcome relief. Maybe one of the reasons I feel such a connection to this band is that whenever I'm feeling really low, they release a new album. Granted, it's not the happiest music in the world. But, it's sympathetic to my mood and that sympathy is what makes me feel better.

My favorite song so far from The Black Parade is I Don't Love You. It's one of the slower songs, but not as slow as Cancer. I really love Gerard's vocalizations in this track. It's catchy and of course I can relate to the theme. Someday I really have to meet this band. I love the whole group so much!

The Black March of Hell

As you may know, as I hope you know, as you should know, the latest release from My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade, dropped on Tuesday this week. Being as devoted as I am to the band, I preordered my deluxe, limited edition version of the album weeks ago. It came in a black velvet case with limited edition lithographs and a huge book of Gerard's drawings, etc. *swoon*

I've been reading many articles about this new album. Many say that it's got a Queen-like rock-opera quality to it. Some songs do have that essence and I can definately see the reference. Several articles have said that this new album ushers My Chem to a status of pre-legendary proportions.

I have only listened to the album a few times, but it gives me chills. I have the previous two albums, and the band seems to make a big leap each time they release something new. The Black Parade, however, is something incredible. I think this time, they've crossed a line and become something...how do I say....amazing, astounding...no, that doesn't quite do it. Epic, yeah that's the word! Anyhow, the music is like multiple orgasms in my ears!!! I can't help but feel terribly moved by it. It makes me want to do something...dramatic...

All of this aside from the fact that Gerard is the most incredibly attractive man to ever exist! I don't care what color he changes his hair to. I will remain forever obsessed and devoted!!

Neko's Mental Hell -th Day

All this talk of mental health days and I just had to take one for myself. It feels good. I don't seem to be experiencing any of the guilt I usually feel when I call in sick to work. After all, they give "sick leave" for a reason, don't they? I'm going to take a little walk around the neighborhood, maybe a bubble bath, bottle of wine. I'll run some errands and then lounge around for a bit. It's going to be great! Anyone else out there have the day off?

Alone in Hell

Once you realize,
that Alone is all we ever really are,
does that make it easier to be that way?
Once it's more than a realization,
when it becomes knowledge,
when it becomes indelible belief,
when it's finally a truth within,
shouldn't it become like a friend?
If you can reach happiness alone,
won't you always be that way?

Hell? Eh, Whatever.

My depression has been flaring up again. Saturday, it tried really hard to crush me. Today it's come back for a visit, but a little less strong. I'm dealing. I just feel like everything sucks today. Sure there could be many causes. Not going to jump off a bridge or anything, but no free smiles either.

Could it be because of Friday's "date"? I went out after work with the married cutie from the coffee shop. Let's call him "Mr. Grey" for the purposes of this blog. For starters, he's not actually married yet. He's engaged to a girl from another country who is apparently moving here in a month. He spent a good deal of time telling me about how great she is. He also felt the need to tell me that just about 4 weeks ago, the two of them had been "exploring other options" and seeing other people, but that they'd decided to stick together. That's just what I needed to hear, by the way. We had a few drinks at happy hour. I didn't know quite what to say, so I just let him babble on for a while. This guy can really talk up a storm.

After drinks, we met up with a couple of his friends (both of them terribly unattractive). They ate burgers. Juicy ones. I almost hurled. Then Mr. Grey and I went out to a late buffet at an Indian place. The two of us have much in common and he seems to have a head on his shoulders. The whole time, I had two things on my mind. One - gosh, he's really attractive. Two - why the hell is he hanging out with me? Weird. Towards the end of the night, his conversation took on a bit of a condesending tone. Maybe because he knows I'm attracted to him and I can't have him. Maybe because I expressed my envie at his well-travelled past. Whatever it was, I didn't like it. He dropped me off at the end of the night at my friend's apartment and that was all. Nothing terribly exciting, I know.

At several points I had a really, really strong wave of deja vu. It was really uncanny and a bit unsettling. I don't know what that was about.

But, Mr. Grey can go jump off a bridge for all I care. He's not the cat's meow and a bag of kitten chips. The more I think about it, the more I sort of resent his company that night. Whatever. I just don't have the energy or the desire to date anyone anymore. Nobody I meet seems to be A - worth it or B - available. So, done.

Could my depression be, in part, due to a situation some friends are dealing with lately? I'm not at liberty to discuss who or what is going on with them, but it seems to be absorbing much of my thought. It's not something I should stick my nose into, but it's been bothering me from the first moment I heard about it. I'd like to offer them both my friendship and support, but I really don't feel like I'm helping any. I don't know what to do about it. Since it's really not my deal, I guess I should just be there when needed and not dwell on the subject. But, it's really disturbing me. I hope that things work out for the best.

Could I be depressed because I'm hanging out at a friend's place while they're on vacation? The onset seems to coincide with that as well. I'm watching Random's place while she's trekking around the country with her hubby and two tots in tow. It's giving me a little taste of living on my own again. So, am I depressed because there's nobody to talk to, or because I realize how much my usual living situations sucks? Sigh.

Yeah, so.....what was the whole point? The point is that there is no point.

Neko Finally Goes To Hell

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

To Hell With Your Needs!

I suppose it's time for me to do this one. It's the ol' "type in your name + needs in Google" yadda yadda. Here's what cyberverse had in store for me:

Neko needs to bring the flood of goodness to Houston.

Neko needs at least another half-dozen songs.

Neko needs steady boyfriends.

Neko needs to be accessible from Apache.

Neko needs to check first if the pointer is odd or even.

The Neko needs a new neko.

Neko needs to go in for surgery to be neutered.

Neko needs her own bed again.

Neko needs a hand cleaning up his place.

Interesting results. The one about getting neutered was a bit alarming!

To Hell With Marriage

I found out two important things this morning on my caffine run. #1: Coffee-house cutie does not have the same name as my father. #2 Coffee-house cutie also has a wedding ring. Damn. It must be true that all the good ones are married (or gay). However, married guys sometimes get divorced. Married guys are sometimes unfaithful to their wives. I don't have much of a problem with married men. Well, sometimes I do. If they happen to be married to my friends, I have a problem. If they happen to be supporting children, I do. I have, in fact, "been with" a married man at least once. As far as I know, it didn't destroy their marriage. I never met his wife. I suppose if he wanted to be with me, there was something wrong with his marriage anyway. Or maybe I'm just that hot.

On the bright side, he told me that he really liked my card (the one with my phone number on it). When I asked him if he was going to use it, he said,"possibly" and then pointed to his ring. I said, "Just my luck." But, he did say that he really appreciated it and that it'd been a long time since "that" had happened to him. He's got a really cute smile. Damn.

But, I left knowing that I'm not a complete idiot and that all the unnecessary fretting over whether or not giving out my number was a good idea was exactly that. So, I feel better now. I'll feel even better if he calls me though.

Poets Can Go To Hell

Anything can
seem
like it
is poetry
when
there are
only
a
few
letters on
each
line.

At
the office
today
I feel
almost
as if
my head will
fall from
my
shoulders
out of
sheer
boredom.

What the Hell Did I Do That For?

I gave out my phone number again. And after I swore I wouldn't do that anymore. Well, there was this cutie at the coffee shop and I went back during lunch to drop him my digits. The creepy thing? He's got the same name as my dad. What's the policy on that, I wonder.

So, now I find myself waiting for a phone call. I feel like an idiot. This is the last time I give out my phone number unsolicited. Since, no guy in the history of Neko has actually asked for my phone number, it probably means that my phone number will never be given out. That's fine. The fewer complications in my life, the better. I feel like a total ass.

Sheeesh...

How the Hell Does Everyone Do it?

I wonder, sometimes, how other people go about writing their blog entries. Do they meditate on them for a while, write out several drafts before committing? Do they type it out first in Word, do a spellcheck, cut and paste? Do they cover one eye, type out their post with the other hand and hit "enter", biting thier lip?

Is the time involved in posting directly proportionate to the quality of the content?
Is it important that spelling and grammar be accurate?
Is consistency more important than contemplation?

Personally, I use several methods. For Little Tragedies, I either have an idea that I'm exicted about, or a reaction to something I read. Then, I just sit down and let it flow through my fingertips straight to Blogger. I maybe premeditate a few lines before I get to the computer. Usually, I try to do my best at spelling and grammar and sentence structure and so on, but not to the point of looking up words or even clicking that little spellcheck button up there. I feel that it's more honest with all the mistakes, more me.

When I write my reviews though, I am very careful. There are several drafts involved. I'll type a paragraph, get up for a while and do something else, and then come back to it with fresh eyes and read it over. I do research, I do spellchecks, I create an intricate web of links to make everything flow correctly.

Just a little bit of curiosity early on a Monday morning. I was just interrupted by a coworker and it totally f*ed up my flow. Don't you hate when that happens?!

Words Commonly Found in Hell

This one's for you, Shenry:

shenanigan

1. Trickery, games; skulduggery. To "Claim" or "Declare" shenanigans" is to rhetorically and ironically label something as officially deceitful, improper, or otherwise incorrect.
You should learn to spot their shenanigans and avoid being fooled.

2. A deceitful confidence trick, or mischief causing discomfort or annoyance. Often the term is used in the plural: shenanigans. The word may have come from the Irish language, however in some regions, shenanigans can merely be harmless mischievous play, especially by children.
"The advertisement said it would cost $50 but they charged me $75 at the register. I declare shenanigans." The speaker passes off the statement as having some sort of implied official effect, but in reality, it is simply a complaint.

• To "call", "claim," or "declare" shenanigans is to rhetorically and ironically label something as officially deceitful, improper, or otherwise incorrect.
• Shenanigan Kids, a 1920 animated series by Bray Productions.
• Shenanigans (television), a 1964-65 children's television game show.
• Shenanigans, a compilation album by Green Day.
• Shamrocks & Shenanigans, a song and a greatest hits album by the hip hop trio House of Pain.

from Wikipedia

1. A word that has no business in the rap song Neko was listening to last night.

from Neko

Acclaim from Hell

Hey guess what?! My diary for my new cat, Toby, won "diary of the day" at Catster!! Sweet!

Half Eaten Hell

It helps to keep a half eaten meal of some sort on your desk at work. That way, when someone comes up with a task for you, you can give them that mid-bite "can't you see I'm on my lunch?!" glare. Even if it's 4:00 in the afternoon, most people will back away with that confused apology on their face. To get the proper anger to burn effectively in your eyes, you need to walk alllll the way down to Einstien's Bagels and buy a cup of coffee. Then, you need to walk allllll the way back to work carrying the coffee. Finally, while trying to gently set it on your desk, you need to spill the whole damn cup all over the floor and the desk and a few important legal documents. That'll piss you off enough to ward off even the most "emergency e-filing" task.

Grrr! Then go outside and beligerently smoke a cigarette less than the required 15 feet from the office building's entrance. Make sure to look in all the windows.

The Triplets of Hellville

Kitties In Hell Have a tendency to Disappear

My adoption of Kaos, the blue-point Himalayan did not go through. By the time I'd gotten to the shelter on Friday night, he was gone. I'm supposing that he was adopted. But, while I was admiring and lamenting over the other prisoners there, my attention was drawn by a loud meowing. I didn't come home empty-handed.

My new cat's name is Toby. He's an extremely friendly orange tabby cat. I'm so in love! How long has it been that I've wanted an orange cat? Oh...say...since about the age of 7. Now I finally have one. He is a little sick though. Apparently, cats in shelters have a tendency to get "upper respiratory infection". So, he's currently and for the next few days, in quarantine in my bedroom. Even his little cat sneezes are adorable!



It's so nice to have a 3 day weekend. To all of you out there who aren't fortunate enough to hold a position with the state....NYA!!! I have managed to sleep through one entire day of my weekend, so I guess you could call it a regular weekend. Saturday night I went out and got loaded with Silver and friends. She likes to hang out at pool halls and this one was actually pretty nice. After about 5 shots, I didn't really care where I was and after 7, I didn't know where I was. It was fun. Neko got laid. Neko really, really needed to get laid. Neko is happy to have gotten laid. (smile)

On Sunday, my mom and I went out to the cemetery. You know, just to creep around and take pictures. I don't have any dead relatives in this state. I find it odd that my mother supports my odd fetish for tombstones. I took around 100 pics before my damn camera quit on me. That was only moments before I found the creepy crypt with the broken doors that you could see down into. There were some really odd things in this cemetery. A park that I used to live by had actually been a cemetery one upon a time and the bodies were dug up and moved to the cemetery I went to Sunday. Apparently, there had been a lot of controversy at the time because the "move" was a complete debacle. Remains were jumbled up together, not all the bodies were found, etc. Rumor has it that the park has ghosts. I never saw anything but male prostitutes and used condoms in that park. I would have preferred ghosts.

Sip This In Hell

I've just arrived from the inspiring pages of the Book of Shenry. Every so often, I feel the need to comment on a post more than the little comment box and internet ediquette will allow. So, I've left a calling card and am expanding on my thoughts in the privacy of my own blog. (privacy? Ha!)

The subject of the Great Lord of Gor Gor's post was beer. Specifically, how he's not intending to waste his time with such beverage. I understand his perspective on the subject. After all, unless I have an empty stomach, beer doesn't do much for me either. But, I say to people who say to me "I don't like beer" the same thing I say to people who tell me, "I don't like tofu." My response is that "you just haven't tried the right one or had it prepared the right way." After all, there is a world of beer out there (and a world of tofu). There are domestics and imports. There are lights, darks, ambers, etc. My absolute favorite all time beer is "Sheaf Stout". It's imported from Australia and hard to find where I live currently. It's got a dark, caramelly flavor and is not available in 6-pack form or canned. I drink Heinekin at bars (and strip clubs). My first beer was Corona. At home, I drink whatever shitty swill my father has in the fridge.

Yes, Neko is a lush. But, I don't generally puke on people or run out in the street and try to force my way into strangers' cars. I can hold it, because I've had so much practice.

My favorite non-beer beverage is a Vodka martini. There's a certain level of class associated with a martini, be it Vodka or Gin. A martini is something you sip in your cocktail gown at the cigar club. My preference is for olives and I used to drink them dirty. My grandma likes a Beefeater's martini with a twist of orange, and she'll kick your ass and give you what-for if you don't fix it right! A martini can, under no circumstances, be served in a plastic container. A martini must not be served in any other shaped glass than the classic "v" shaped martini glass. Martini's can be chocolate or creme brule flavored and still be martinis, but they don't carry the distinction of high society that the standard gin or vodka do.

All get back to this later...it's lunchtime.

Three Little Kitties from Hell

Some people spend their time on the internet downloading the latest Venture Bros. episodes, or watching midgets of mixed race get it on with amputee transexuals, or blasting their good friends all to Hell in a war game sim. Me? I use the net to watch homemade movies of people's cats chasing feathers, or a group of kittens in Korea pile themselves into tissue boxes. Sick, isn't it? Yeah, I know.

All of this animal philanthropy has gotten me into trouble. The last time I was dropping off a donation at the shelter, I made the mistake of going to visit the kitties. I love animals of all kinds, but the cats is where my true weakness lies. Someday, I'll have a huge ranch somewhere and all the kitties from all the shelters will come and live with me and none of them will ever be put to sleep again, as long as they're healthy. But, for now, there's one particular cat that's got my attention. His name is Kaos. He's a chubby blue point Himalayan. I saw him briefly through the glass of his confining little cage. Love at first sight! Sigh. He was sleeping all curled up in a big, fat fluff of a mound.

I happened to mention this encounter in passing to my father. I didn't even really think adopting Kaos was a possibility, so I didn't push, I just mentioned it briefly. He asked me to send him the info from the shelter. I did. Guess who's taking home a new kitty today!!! Yay! My older cat is going to be P I S S E D!! He's really going to hate me for a while. This Kaos kitty is an older cat, about 6 years, so I'm hoping that he'll be mellow. The little kitty I already have will adjust. I will have to leave one of the kitties behind when I move, because there's no way I can cram 3 cats into the size of apartment I can afford. But, the third kitty will live safely with my father, so I'll have visitation rights.

My Little Soapbox In Hell

Oh...my....god. Has anyone out there heard of these "gay sheep" experiments?! I'm suprised that the University isn't being stormed as I type. As I feel is my duty, I wrote another letter:

Ed Ray, President
Oregon State University
634 Kerr Administration Building
Corvallis, OR 97331-2128

RE: Frederick Stormshak and Charles Roselli Sheep Experiments

Dear Sir:

I am terribly concerned about the “Gay-Sheep” experiments being conducted by Oregon State University’s (OSU) Frederick Stormshak and Oregon Health and Science University’s (OHSU) Charles Roselli. The insidious rationale of this experiment is to identify a biological basis for homosexuality in sheep in an effort to “cure” it in humans. I find this incredibly offensive and unacceptable and I request that this experiment be stopped immediately.

I was shocked to learn that the experiments are being funded by tax payers. The dubious argument that the research is necessary to save ranchers from economic loss would be laughable except for the tragedy. What happened to artificial insemination of livestock? Male sheep don’t necessarily need to be attracted to female sheep in order for offspring to be produced. I’m appalled at this senseless and unnecessary killings involved with this “research”. Surgical estrogen implants? I can hardly express my distain at this bizarre experimentation.

Even more astounding is that researchers intend to translate their findings in sheep to humans. The implication that homosexuality in humans is something defective that must be “cured” is a slap in the face of all of those fighting to gain equal rights and respect denied them due to their sexual orientation. I cannot see that this will in any way help the reputation of the college or benefit its students or its taxpayers. There are so many other causes that are far more worthy to receive funds. Why not direct these funds to more deserving and important research – such as curing real problems like cancer and AIDS?

Thank you for your time and I truly hope that you will seriously consider what I have written.



Sincerely,



The smoking flames of my indignation have been fanned and my activism is ablaze today!!! Good god, I'd almost laugh if it wasn't such an Aldus Huxley nightmare!!

New News from Hell

Starbucks has returned my email. Yeah, I've been blown off again. I have the feeling that there's some admin over there that just went to Word, looked up their template titled "environment letter", inserted my name and hit "send".

Hello Neko,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company with your questions regarding our recycling efforts.

Starbucks is committed to protecting and improving the environment, and is continually pursuing opportunities to reduce, reuse, and recycle our waste products where commercial facilities exist. Most of our retail store recycling is conducted "behind the scenes" in the back room (boxes, milk jugs, etc.). If you are not certain that recycling is taking place in a store, please ask a store manager; he/she can explain what we are doing, what is recyclable in the local area, and what the landlord will allow for waste disposal. One of our challenges is that some parts of the country can process more recyclable materials than others. We are working with a recycling subcontractor to locate local recycling facilities to process materials generated from each store.

In addition to our retail stores, recycling programs exist in our other facilities, including Starbucks Support Center, our global headquarters in Seattle, and our roasting plants in Kent, Washington; York, Pennsylvania; and Carson Valley, Nevada. Additionally, we consider recylability, reusability and recycled content in our paper and packaging purchases to reduce our impact on the environment. Last year, Starbucks paper products contained 26% post consumer recycled content. We have targeted 30% post-consumer content for all future paper purchases.

On the waste reduction side, we are focused on encouraging reuse of coffee grounds by packaging them and giving them to customers to use as a soil amendment in their gardens. We also offer customers a 10¢ discount each time they use their commuter mug to enjoy their Starbucks beverage. Last year, our customers used their own mugs 13.5 million times, which prevented 586,800 pounds of paper waste from reaching landfills. Reusing coffee grounds and the commuter mug discount complement our recycling efforts because they help to minimize the amount of waste that is produced in each store.

Please know that we appreciate your comments and that we take our responsibility to the environment very seriously. Your concerns will be forwarded to our utility specialist, who manages in-store recycling for North America. If you have additional questions or comments, please contact us at info@starbucks.com or call 1-800-235-2883 to speak directly with a customer relations representative.

Thank you again for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company.


Sincerely,

Amber M.
Customer Relations Representative

If you would like to share your thoughts about your experience with Starbucks Customer Contact Center, please click on the link below to participate in a short survey. Your comments will be used to ensure that any future experiences with Starbucks Customer Contact Center meet your highest expectations.



http://www.starbuckscontactcenter.com/star_ccc_index.asp?group=CR&template=CR062

Heell...Oops..Hell

I have another update on the coffee thing. This morning, I had the chance to speak to my barista at Peet's. He said that if you bring you own mug in, they make the coffee in the actual mug instead of making it in a paper cup and pouring it into your mug. So, Shenry, if you go to Peet's, your idea works. I can't vouch for any other place though. I just know that I saw it done that way once or twice at another shop. As an added bonus, Peet's will take 10 cents off your order if you bring in your own mug. Spiffaroo.

Another Answer To Hell

The second company to respond to my coffee condom idea is Deidrich. Here's what they had to tell me:

Ms. Neko,

Thank you for your suggestion. I have forwarded your e-mail to our
marketing team for review.
Please let me know if I can assist you with anything else.


Best Regards,

Patti Graves
Customer Service Specialist
Diedrich Coffee
Gloria Jeans Coffees USA
Coffee People
800-354-5282 ext.6703

Seems like they're blowing me off, but at least I got a response.

Do They Have Diedrich's In Hell?

Another letter outgoing:

Dear Dietrich Coffee,

I have been visiting your --- location in ---- for several weeks now. My favorite beverage so far has been the Mayan Mocha. While I enjoy the coffee and the atmosphere at this location, I have a concern.

Each time I finish with my mocha, I throw a cup, a lid and a sleeve in the trash. Considering how much coffee I consume and how many customers your store has, I can assume that this location alone produces quite a bit of waste. So, I began to ponder what could be done about the situation and I came up with an idea that I'd like to share.

The paper sleeves that fit over the cups to protect hands from being burnt seem to be the most practical product to save, as they generally stay fairly clean. What if Dietrich were to offer an incentive to return the sleeves? Say, for every one recieved, a donation could be made by your company to a local environmental concern. Or, they could be preprinted with some type of coupon or savings offer. This way, Dietrich would save money and gain public applause. Consumers would be encouraged to support your locations. The environment would be saved landfill space and have some portion of forest preserved.

I hope that you will consider my idea. Thank you for your time!

Sincerely,

Letters Incoming to Hell

I have already received a response from Peaberry coffee regarding my idea!! Since they are local, I suppose that they have more time to pay attention to individual emails. Here's what they had to say to me:

Dear Neko:
Thank you for your email.
I will pass it along to the President and VP of Operations.
We appreciate your comments.
And thank you for your patronage!
Sarah Lyons
Peaberry Coffee, Inc.
1299 East 58th Avenue
Denver, CO 80216
(303) 292-9324 x1016
Fax (303) 292-5179

Flippin' sweet!
Today, I am outlining my overall plan and starting some sketches for coffee condom designs. I'll share the sketches when I get home. BTW, I'm sure that if anyone would like to write to Peaberry in support of my idea, it would be welcome. (I didn't use "Neko" when I wrote to them.) If you do decide to support this plan, I'd love to see a copy of the letter you wrote. I sent my letters via email to each company's customer service addy listed on their websites. The nice lady that responded from Peaberry's has the following addy: sarahlyons@peaberrycoffee.com

Hell's Final Letter for the Day

One more for today folks, then it's homeward bound and rest for Neko.

Dear Peaberry,

I frequently visit one of your downtown Denver locations during my morning breaks from work. I do enjoy your beverages and the shop's location is very convenient. However, I couldn't help but notice that one cup of coffee yeilds a paper cup, a plastic lid and a cardboard sleeve that get thrown away. With the number of customers that your store brings in each morning, all those waste items add up quickly. So, I had an idea that might help to save at least the cardboard sleeves from ending up in the trash can.

You may be familiar with Yoplait's campaign to help fight breast cancer by having consumers return the used lids from their yogurt containers. It seems that a similar strategy could be used by Peaberry to help benefit local environmental concerns. What if, for each sleeve returned to Peaberry, your company donated funds to causes such as the Colorado chapter of The Nature Conservancy or the University of Colorado's "Generation Green" efforts? The benefits for Colorado's environment would be wonderful, coffee drinkers could feel good about choosing Peaberry's, and your company may see some well-deserved positive public light.

Please consider my idea or something similar that gives something back to our environment. Thank you for your time!

Sincerely,

I found out from their website that Peaberry Coffee is actually a local corp. Go figure!

Coffee Condoms from Hell Letter 2

My goal is to finish all my emails to the major coffee corporations today. I'll hit the little guys later on and start up my coffee condoms de arte idea this week.

Here's my email to Peet's Coffee and Tea (where I really get my morning coffee):

Dear Peet's,

Since it's Grand Opening recently, I have made a visit to your 16th Street Mall location in Denver, Colorado, part of my weekday routine. The coffee is delicious and the staff there is doing a fantastic job. However, I couldn't help but notice how much waste my personal indulgence creates. I throw away a cup, a plastic lid and a cardboard sleeve nearly every day.

So, I've come up with a suggestion that I hope you will consider. Why not offer the public an incentive to return the cardboard sleeves? Yoplait has a campaign in which they donate a certain amount to a breast cancer charity for every lid that is returned to them. It seems that a similar idea partnered with Peet's could help benefit wilderness conservation efforts. I've read about some of Peet's community involvement such as the California Coastal Cleanup Day and Aids Walk 2006 on your website. I think that my idea would fit well alongside these causes.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Sincerely,

Neko

More Coffee Condom Ideas from Hell

As I walked out of the building into the fresh air of my lunch hour, I was again struck with inspiration. Twice in one day?! What are the odds? Here's how it plays out:

Instead of working through the corporate coffee giants, why not cut out the middle-man and take on this beast myself? I can combine my artsy tendancies (if somewhat weak) with my desire to improve the coffee drinking experience! I'll keep the coffee condoms I collect each day and make them into personalized coffee condoms de arte! Then, I can sell sets of the suckers on eBay and donate the money myself to any enviro-charity I choose ~ which will probably be the Nature Conservancy. That could even be a selling point of the product. I can expand into gift-sets and holiday themes! Now, if only I knew someone savvy enough to set up a website for me. I could do it myself, but I haven't the time to learn all the tech-speak I'll need.

Of course, I intend to continue my letter campaign. That way, I can try both angles at once. Whee! I like to be inspired.

The First Little Note From Hell

As promised, I've submitted my idea to Starbucks:

Dear Starbucks,

Not entirely certain that I'm writing to the correct department, I trust that this email with be filtered to the appropriate parties.

Every day, when I've finished with my morning cup of Starbucks coffee, I find myself alarmed at the amount of waste that goes into the trash can. There is a cup, a lid, and a cardboard sleeve to keep my fingers from burning. I can't help but wonder if at least one of those items could be put to good use after I'm finished with it.

Specifically, I am pondering what could be done with the cardboard sleeve and I have an idea that I'd like to offer. Is there some way that the sleeves could be returned? Say, for discounts or some similar benefit?
What if, for every sleeve returned to the store, a donation was made to an environmentally concerned charity? Yoplait yogurt has a similar campaign for which they trade lids for donations to Breast Cancer research. I'd be delighted if Starbucks were to adopt a similar cause, such as forest conservation efforts or recycling initiatives.

Please consider my idea and do this small part toward helping our planet.

Thank you for your time and consideration!

Next up ~ Peet's Coffee and Tea

Trees Don't Go To Hell When They Die

On the way to work this morning, I was struck with an idea. This often happens on my morning journey, despite my brain not having mopped away the cobwebs of sleep so early. Ideas are often jangled and disorganized. But, every once in a while, I'll get a good one; one I can build on and make into something more than just a flash of meandering electricity. And this one is one of those good ones.

This one is too good to keep to myself, and so I'm putting it out there in cyberspace. Setting it free, as it were, like a sparrow from a windowsill. Chances are, I might not get to making it a complete project and I want someone out there to take it and run with it. So, here it is in all its simplistic beauty.

If you're anything like me, you make a stop on the way to work for coffee (could be tea as well). Every morning I stop at the same coffee shop and order the same thing and give the same fake name to the cashier (thanks Shenry). Every morning, I walk away with a paper cup, a plastic lid and one of those brown cardboardy sleeves that goes over the cup so I don't burn my hand. Every morning, I feel the same guilt as I toss the whole package in the trash (sans coffee of course). The only bit of the ensemble that doesn't get stained or slobbered on is that sleeve thingy. Let's call it a "coffee condom", for the purposes of this blog.

It was while pondering these very facts that I had my idea. Why don't I just save the coffee condoms and take them back to the store at the end of each week? Sure, that's not a bad thought but, wait, it gets better... Okay then, maybe I should have some sort of incentive for bringing these things back, like a discount or points or something. After all, aren't I doing the shop a favor? Wouldn't that be 5 less coffee condoms a week that they'd have to spend their profits on? I might be someone who thinks about the environment, but how do we get everyone else to copy? And it gets even bigger...How about something like ~ "For every 5 coffee condoms collected, Coffe Company A will donate a buck or so to Charity B." It works like the pink Yoplait lids. For every so many turned in, Yoplait donates money to Breast Cancer charity. Yoplait increases their sales, Breast Cancer charity gets funding, consumer feels happy. It's win, win, win! It could work for coffee condoms too.

So, someone please take this idea and make it a reality. Since I don't currently have the resources to follow through, maybe someone out there will. For today, I'm going to write to Starbucks, etc. with my idea. Then, I'll work on researching ways to make something happen.

Sometimes, coffee does good things for my brain.

Ayche Eee El El

So, I'm sitting here at my desk, chowing on a box of grape flavored Nerds and Sweet Tarts and looking over my shoulder. There's nobody there. There's nobody in this office at all today. Why? Because the dreaded plague (the one that I've had for 3 weeks now) has taken them. So, I'm killing time because my boses aren't around and I don't have anything to do.

I get to leave at 3:30 too. Why? There is an "office picnic" that I'm going to. It doesn't sound like any one else is going though. They are either sick or sissy about the weather. But, I see it as an obligation. Besides, I don't get to leave early if I don't make an appearance. Unfortunately, none of the hottie attorneys are planning to attend. AND I'll miss my "pseudo date" with hottie CPA on the rail after work. Oi.

The original point of this email is that I'm here at my desk, crunching these strawberry flavored Nerds (I eat Nerds like you for breakfast!) and realized that I hardly ever read other blogs aside from my own. The one I read the most is Shenry's. If he hasn't posted anything recently, I'll go over his links and pick someone to read about. Sweat Flavored Gummi is my favorite second option. But, I found the Legendary Ghost through Shenry's blog and that's pretty kickin' too. I just don't feel that I give the blogging community much back in the way of appreciation. Guess I need to get around more.

Incidentally, both my cats have their own blogs now. How out of control is that?

Those Crawling Bastards from Hell

Here's a nice little departure from the cute-fest that's been going on around here lately. I'd be one of the people to watch, rather than chow down. I hate those leggy bastards!

One Hell of an Employee

Here it is, only 2 and a half hours into the workweek, and already I'm screwing around online! These State gigs are sweet! (actually, I'm trying not to get busted).
In truth, if I actually had work to do right now, I'd be doing that first, surfing second.

Anyway, the point is that I've found these 2 sites that rock. Thought my friends with pets out there (Silver, Roach, Random) could get into these. I've already signed up with the feline option! It's like MySpace for four-leggers.

Catster

Dogster

It seems that I'm getting more and more into the cutsie stuff, huh? Cute Overload has short-circuited my brain! Now all I can think of is bunnies and hammies and skunks and ducks.....

Holy Eye Lazer Lovely

I thought my wallpaper this morning was cute. Pfeh!
Now THIS is fuckin' CUTE!!!!

Normally, I'm not into pics of people's kids. But, when they're in danger of this degree of mischevious adorability, I am.

Hella Cute

Take a look at what I have on my desktop at work:



Curtousy of Meomi Design. It's so cute!! What nicer way to start the workday than with an uber-cute pink picture on my computer? If you don't have wallpaper with a scantly clad r&b singer or a kick-ass pic of Wonder Woman up, go and download something adorable and slightly weird. (Hey, that kind of describes me)

Holding Explosive Little Lessons

I'm totally infuriated. Read this and tell me how rediculous it is! It's about a new device called the "Rodenator" that this airport plans to use to explode Prairie Dogs! Sounds like a bad joke, doesn't it? But it made me red in the face to read the article. Don't these people know that there's a much more humane "vaccuum" machine that sucks up the critters alive so that they can be relocated?

I seem to have been on a rampage lately about these animal rights issues. Actually, I have been concerned about them for a long time now. I just recently decided to rememdy the fact that I feel so much guilt about not doing anything to help. So, I'm trying to be more active on that front. It's just that I think my blog is a convenient forum for such concerns. I don't plan to change Little Tragedies into a politial site. But, I do plan to include posts every now and then on the topic. Otherwise, it's business as usual.

Happy Equine Lovers Law

Remember when I posted and asked everyone to call their House Rep.? The Horse Slaughter Prevention Act? Well, good news! H.R. 503 Passed with a vote of 263 to 146. Yay!! Thanks to all of you who called up and supported the bill. Now it's got to go to the Senate for a vote before it goes to the Prez. to become law. So, the battle's not over yet, but if you'd care to make a call or send an email to your Senate Rep., that would kick ass!

Horrendously Endless Loot Leakage!

My activist molecules kicking in, I went to visit PETA's website moments ago. Apparently, my generous tendencies warranted dropping 20 bucks on animal friendly related products. I thought I couldn't spend money if I didn't go out. Lies, all lies.

I've managed to spend around $800 dollars in one week. Good God! First, I had to take care of bills and debts that had piled up during my long period of unemployment. Then, I had to buy that iPod Nano as a reward for getting a job and maintaining perfect attendance for a month (until yesterday). I'd wanted one forever and damn the consequences. Tomorrow, Silver and I are going to the spa, where I will drop another $200. Yee gods. And I thought I was doing such a good job of restraining myself. Well, it's rice and beans and green tea for the rest of the month. If I spend one more unnecessary penny, I'm going to have to chop off a hand. I really don't make so much money!!

Holy Christ. At least Roach's Passion Party next weekend has some promise of earning me an extra buck or two. I hope the attendance is good and that people are feeling extra spendy on themselves. If nothing else, at least I can write the gas off on my taxes.

Whatever I've got to do to get a place of my own has to be done. Everyday at home lately has been a pressing reminder of how much I want to live alone. But, if I don't stop the wallet hemmoraging immediately, Neko will be going nowhere. I try to remind myself that next month won't bring so many bills. I won't have to repay anyone's loans and I just signed a new agreement with the cell phone vampires in hopes that they won't suck as much out of my bank account as they have been. Must not spend....must not spend...

Jackie Chan Fights Dog Killers In Hell

I just knew that my love for Jackie Chan wasn't misplaced! (My $50 membership fee to the U.S. branch of his fanclub may have been, but my love lingers on.)

He's a good guy.

Warning: This link will take you to a page with photos of the dog killings. Not to gorey, but disturbing all the same.

(Can you guess what Neko is doing in the last hours before quittin' time?)

Hella Gross

What the f&#@ are the makers of candy thinking these days? What Airheads.

gross

And yes, I'm blogging at work.
And yes, I'm still sick.

Horse Eating Legal no Longer

Today is the national call-in day for voters to urge their House Reps to protect horses from slaughter in the U.S. Horse flesh is regularly sold overseas for human consumption. Almost 100,000 horses were slaughtered last year.

So, call your House Rep. and either say the following or make up your own script:

" I am a constituent, and I am calling to ask that Representative _____ please protect American horses from slaughter and support H. R. 503, the Horse Slaughter Prevention Act. I also urge you to oppose any amendments to H.R. 503. I am very concerned about American horses, and I don't want them to be slaughtered."

So, come on. If I can get off my lazy ass and make this phone call, so can you! If people in other countries want to eat horse meat, let them eat their own damn horses. (Of course, I don't advocate meat-eating of any kind anywhere) It's easy to look up your House Rep. online.

This has been a public service announcement from Neko.

Hummers Escalades and Lexus Limousines

I find that MySpace is good for the occasional meme or short spurt of angst. For long rambling rants such as this one, it's blogger where my thoughts find a home.

On the way home today, I'm in the turn lane headed left. However, there's a mammoth, silver SUV in the oncoming lane and although the light is green, I can't see around this bastard to look for approaching vehicles. The driver in the car behind me looks impatient. I don't want to be honked at. It's not so much that I care that this person at my rear will be a couple minutes behind their likely meaningless schedule. It's that I'm so full of loathing for the human race these days, that I think I might jump out of my truck carrying a tire iron. And, well, you can imagine where things would go from there.

So, I take a chance and speed off down the next street. Luckily, there was no one to collide with. But, the encounter spawned a rampant dialogue in my head. Let me see if I can make my train of thought logical enough to convey. Supposedly, there's a fuel shortage in this country. I don't buy it and here's why. If the world is such a place that Americans are in danger of running out of gasoline, why are car makers building the largest abominations they can manage? Well, that's because the fuel crisis is a load of bullshit dreampt up by the coordinators of the Middle Eastern war. Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.

There is such a thing as the law of supply and demand. The way I understand it, the price of an item fluxtuates depending on how many consumers are willing to purchase it at a certain cost. If nobody is buying product, then cost will go down so as to encourage purchase. If the demand for something goes up enough, and the supply is low, cost will rise. Or, price will be higher if fewer product is bought in order to make enough money to survive from the sale of fewer items. Make sense? Thus, companies that do market research will generally produce only items that they sense a demand for.

Car makers do loads of market research. If people in America could truly not afford the prices of gas, we wouldn't be seeing ads for Hummer and Dodge Mastadon every seven seconds on television. The parking lot at my local grocery store wouldn't be crammed with Soccer Mom Vans. Car makers would be pushing the latest in hybrid mini cars. Unless of course, everyone in America is a complete freaking idiot. There are masses of idiots, but the smart people out there make up enough of the population to make a difference. What's that you say? "Why Neko, there are ads for hybrid vehicles" Right you are, my friend. That's because these companies see the paranoid section of us that do like to save money on gas and do pay attention to the destruction of the environment and do live in California. That's beside the point. How many hybrids do you see on the road versus trucks and SUVs?

So, we've established that there is a demand for gas-guzzling hunks of impossibly massive four-wheeled steel, just by observing what products are on the market.

If the car companies see that we are all willing to shell out mass quantities of cash in order to keep our monsterous trucks running, where's all this gas coming from. Here's a theory. Public support of the war starts to wane. So, a "gas shortage" is conjured. "Oh no," Americans say, "kill those Arab bastards and get us some gas." Support of the war goes up. And why are we at war in the first place, if our neighbors to the North have so much fuel? And why are there people saying that the U.S. can survive on it's own reserves? It's because G.W. wants to fight daddy's war for him. That's why!!

Okay, enough political raving for me right now. Just think about this. I'd be happy to hear a couple different views or supporting factoids. I'm I right, or stark-raving loony? or both?

Off to the showers to wash away the stink of human contact.

Eating Out In Hell

Lo and behold, I've finally written a restaurant review! Follow the link at right to Neko's Veggie Reviews to read my review of Watercourse Foods. It's about damn time!

Slipping Into Something A Bit More Hell

I am a night owl, no doubt. While my obnoxious brother and reluctant father slumber, I'm working on the better part of a bottle of wine. Daddy gave me money for movies. I came home with 3 DVDs and a bottle of Zinfandel. Ah, sweet drunken abyss...

Between watching movies and wallowing in my own brokenness, I've found time to paint more. Here is the progress...



Ick..instead of "SunDance", they should call them "SlamDance" - to your death! Well, at least these smokes were free. It's amazing what smokers will do for other smokers.



Ick...instead of "Blogger", they should call it "Bugger" - it takes so long to upload these images. It's probably my connection though, and not Blogger's fault.





Hey, how did these get in here?! I don't keep my kitty in a cooler..I swear...



This picture represents the painting as it stands now. I felt the need to fill in all of my sketches, despite my previous inclination. All that's left is a background. The stark whiteness is too much glaring purity for me to digest. I'm not yet disappointed with this work. It helps for me to step away from time to time, as I find myself staring at this new addition to my basement hideout. It still looks like so much coagluated blood, but me likes anyway.

More Movie Watching In Hell

There are two new reviews up at Neko Goes To The Movies. If you haven't been there yet, it's cookin' these days! The two new features reviewed are Silent Hill and Evolution.

Why the Hell Wouldn't This Load?

I think I've picked up the spare.



That's as far as I got last night. It's kind of fun to stare at right now, so I can't decide to finish it or not.

The Circles of Hell

I must be depressed. Either that, or it's the lack of beer, lack of cigarettes, lack of sex, lack of money and lack of suitable living quarters that's driven me mad. Regardless, I started to paint again. And for the sake of misery loves company, I'm going to post pictures of my progress here. (It's not too late to visit The Book of Shenry).



This time, instead of sketching my design on paper beforehand, I just drew right on the canvas.



Now, I've added the first layer of color, which is the creamy hue of unsalted butter. It dawned on me that the lightest colors should be painted first. It's much easier to cover a lighter color with a darker color than it is to do the opposite.



Here's the next color. Keep in mind that when I paint, I only use the 3 primary colors and black and white to mix my colors from.



And so on...



Starting to see a theme? I've been trying to balance each color evenly throughout the canvas. The problem is, I think I might run out of colors in this spectrum before I finish filling in the design.

There's another picture, but I can't get flippin Blogger to load it up. Ah well, I'll try in another post.

Zwinkies From Hell

I'm really hooked on this Zwinky thing.

Hell At Maximum Capacity

I've known for a while that things were in the works to get my little brother moved in with my father and I. I just thought I would have more time. I thought that another month would transpire before the proper court documents were made official. But, apparently, the school that he can actually get into at this point begins classes this week. Wednesday? Consequently, he's begun moving furniture and rearranging things. Unfortunately, most of my belongings (or at least the ones I use more frequently) are in that room.

This Saturday, I awoke to the sounds of voices and crashing about. Every time I'm rudely stirred from sleep in such a fashion, I silently renew my vow to find an apartment. So, I stumbled upstairs, eager for a shower and groggy and cranky. Guess what? My bathtub was occupied by a hose connected to a draining waterbed. Plus, we had a guest. My brother had decided that it was finally time to disassemble the leaky POS bed and he had invited his girlfriend over to help with the furnishings. So, no shower for me. Thankfully, his girlfriend is really cool and the two of us get along quite well. It's a nice change from the skanks he usually finds to drag around.

Lo and behold, I discover that the boy is on the fast track to moving in! It would have been nice to have a little more notice. I detest having people go through my belongings and would have liked to have the chance to remove them from the construction site. I was also hoping that I'd be able to save enough money to find my own place before the house was overrun. Sonofabitch! Right away, I can see one of the more serious issues is going to be the use of bathroom facilities. Every single f**ing time the little brat uses my bathroom, he pisses all over the damn toilet seat!!! I confronted him with this gripe and he pretended innocence. I know it's him because my father always uses his own, private bathroom. I'm not giving up the bathroom I have now because it's got the very best shower and accomodations. The one downstairs is adjacent to the litter box, and the only other option is through my father's bedroom. This is going to require my foot coming down.

So, that's the primary stress in my life right now. I just wasn't ready for all of this so soon. I hope and pray that the next 6 weeks will go by smoothly and enable my departure from this situation ASAP.

Another Movie Review? What the Hell?

Two more reviews have gone up at Neko Goes To the Movies. The subjects under scrutiny are: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest and Final Destination 3. I'm also working on a little maintence on that site.

A Scan of Hell

There are two new movie updates at Neko Goes To The Movies.

A Scanner Darkly and
Master and Commander.

Hell and Hitmen

There's a new post up at Neko Goes To The Movies. It's for The Matador, so go take a look-see.

Might As WHell Try

I find that the dumbest mistake any criminal can make is to film themself committing a crime. I'll admit, when one is engaged in clandestine activities, especially when going on solo missions, it's tempting to want to preserve the occasion in some fashion. But, it's just plain idiotic. Not that I'm planning anything illegal....well, at least not anything that will bring harm to anyone....

It would be almost equally as assenine to go online and detail the various steps of such a hypothetical plan. James Bond would never get anywhere if his targets weren't fool enough to indulge themselves with a step by step outline of their master plans. Ever so foolish my dear Mr. Goldfinger. The only fanatics bold enough to leave paper trails are serial killers. I've been led to believe that these men are so intelligent, they'd never be caught if they didn't want to be. But...I don't plan to hurt anyone...not even a plant.

Actually, I had planned to hurt myself quite severely not so many days ago, but those urges have passed. It's a good thing I have friends. Well, I'd better finish off this bottle of wine and get to work...I mean BED...BED, I'm going to bed...