12.27.2006

Dear Hell, Merry Christmas, Love Neko

As you can see by the new counter, I relapsed into smoking again over the holiday. It seems that I just couldn't stand 4 days at home with my family without lighting up. So, I am going to try again and try again and try again as many times as it takes until I finally quit. The difference in the way I feel, physically, is acutely noticable, as is the difference in my mental state. I'm horribly unhappy lately, but feel physically better when I don't smoke.

I've started a "fitday" account and am trying to keep track of what goes into the belly. There's a brand new jumprope and set of weights on my bedroom floor, looking to be put into action soon. Maybe tonight, I'll start that workout regimen that Shenry pencilled out for me. At the very least, I should find my yoga book. I picked up a fitness book at the bookstore today, with my gift certificate. We'll give the whole body health thing a try.

The only reason I haven't spent any money lately is that I don't have any. In fact, my bank account is overdrawn and I owe the check cashing place part of my next paycheck. So, the spending is under control if only out of necessity. I've got my lunch in the fridge, which I'm forgetting for the past 2 hours. Crap. I went downstairs to the crappy cafeteria and bought my regular coffee (3 creamers) there instead of Starbucks. I told myself that I'd allow a daily trip to Starbucks only until Christmas was over. So, it's the shitty coffee for me until I can consistantly remember to grind my own the night before.

I'm telling you, once I get this shit down and keep after myself for it, life will be sweet. In about 6 months, life will be great, but only if I can keep up the discipline. Hmmm....Neko could use a little discipline, couldn't she?

12.19.2006

Hell Takes An Intermission

Oh, glorious and happy wonderment! Oh, skippy happy bunnies! Oh, delightful blue skies and lollipops! My gloom has momentarily lifted.

Was it only yesterday that I writhed with anger and fustration? At lunch, I was walking around the ped mall downtown and invented a new game for myself to quiet the evil inside me. I imagined that I had the power to decide who lives and who dies on the spot. So, I amused myself by assigning a "live" or "die" status to each passerby. No, I haven't reached the level of crazy that would have me randomly yelling at strangers. It was all in my head, I assure.

One might think that I'd be pleased to return home after a long day of work. It's a pleasure to return to a warm place with a bed and my kitties, but I loathe the company of my Father and Brother. I barely speak to them and when I do, it's what bare minimum I can muster without exploding in violent rage. I drink A LOT. I try to do as much as I can before the alcohol fades me blissfully to incoherance. Then, I just lie in bed and watch movies. It's a wonderful life, eh?

Yesterday I found out that my bank account was over drawn by...say...$100. There were checks that I needed to clear that hadn't even hit the bank yet. How did my money evaporate so quickly? It's almost inconceivable. How depressing. I sat in bed last night and thought about cutting myself. I considered cutting little patterns in the tops of my feet with an Exacto blade. Thought about how it would feel. But I didn't do it. I'm medicated now and those little pills don't let me do anything gruesome like that. I bet it would have felt good. Maybe it would have released some of this agression.

But....today I took care of my financial issue (or rather, the emergency has passed) and I hooked myself up with an advanced floor ticket to Magness Arena on March 4th. Who's playing you ask? Why, ONLY THE GREATEST BAND TO GRACE THE FACE OF THIS DARK EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE! (Neko commences to scream like a lovestruck groupie.)

Hell Gets Through

Well, what do you know. All that bitchin' and gripin' and it looks like I'm once again able to access Blogger Beta. I figured that if I gave it a few days, whatever content that had been plastered on their site would be refreshed. What a relief. It's like my mind has been constipated for days! It's too bad that I've forgotten all of my good ideas. Something will come to me later.

12.17.2006

Hell Is Forbidden

The internet filter at work has decided that the Blogger Beta site where I log in to make my posts at little tragedies has something to do with "sex" and so, I have been blocked from accessing it. That, my friends, is the reason behind the sudden lack of output on my part. I've had loads of bloggable ideas that have been strangled by this lack of available release. I'm feeling ill. Not sick like, "oh, my stomach" sick. Sick like, "I don't know how much more I can stand" sick. A toxicity of negative thoughts poisoning my habits as of late. Writhing inside myself and eating away at the layers of stability and sanity like so many maggots feast on rotten flesh.

I don't mean to be so melodramatic. It's just that I can't seem to bring myself to do much more than drink lately. Fuck. I need to do things, important things, but I'm self-medicating to escape this choking feeling and it's a vicious cycle.

12.11.2006

Who the Hell Wants to Know

I grabbed this from Phx.

You can only answer one word. No explanations.

1. Yourself
Dark

2. Your Spouse
Dead

3. Your Hair
Unkempt

4. Your Mother
Grey

5. Your Father
Trying

6. Your Favorite Item
Electric

7 . Your Dream Last Night
Tangled

8. Your Favorite Drink
Izze

9. Your Dream Car
Shelby

10. The Room You're In
Trapped

11. Your Ex
Bastard

12. Your Fear
Water

13. What You Want to Be in 10 Years?
Rich

14. Who You Hung Out With Last Night
Me

15. What You're Not
Happy

16. Muffins
Cranberry

17. One of Your Wish-List Items
Book

18. Time
Go

19. The Last Thing You Did
Typed

20. What You Are Wearing
Black

21. Your Favorite Weather
Balmy

22. Your Favorite Book
Arunhati

23. The Last Thing You Ate
Kiss

24. Your Life
Wasted

25. Your Mood
Upset

26. Your Best Friend
Who

27. What You're Thinking About Right Now
Home

28. Your Car
Trash

29. What You Are Doing at the Moment
Answering

30. Your Summer
Past

31. Your Relationship Status
Sucks

32. What is On Your TV
MCR

33. What is the Weather Like
Cold

34. When is the Last Time You Laughed
Forgot

Click Here to Visit Hell

I've been adding links lately. They're mostly for my personal use. You know, as a sort of "favorites" list. But, I guess they describe my interests and thusly tell things about me as a person. Maybe I just want to say, "Hey, look at this bad-ass list of shit I found!". Regardless, I think I'm in love with Phil. Is it okay to have a crush on someone just from reading their blog for a couple of days? Initially, I thought that Phil was one of Ghost's students. Ghost, incidentally, has some cool-ass links on his blog. I've stolen a few. I found a sweet t-shirt shop via Cute Overload this morning and I linked that puppy too. There are stacks of shirts I want to order, like, "My Other Ride Is In Your Pants." Freakin' classic shit, man! Love it!

Oi, so the weekend was a bear to manage without the smoking. I did it though. I was really tempted to puff one on the sly, but, ultimately, I resisted.

...crud...don't you hate when work interferes with blogging?....

12.08.2006

Hell vs. The Ninja

I have no reason to want one of these, but I do anyway. That's 'cuz I'm a ninja. Word.

Pointy Hellbows

I'm really not holding up well against the lure of alcohol. Last night I finished off the Fat Bastard and slammed two raspberry Woodchucks. (yes, I know how it sounds) I still, however, did not smoke. I am the calm little center around which the world revolves. Or not. I found out that the USB Flash drive that I spent fifty bucks on is not compatible with my Dad's version of Windows. So, I either have to find a way to upgrade Windows for free (or at least cheaply) or try and exchange the sucker for a different USB drive. Upgrading Windows would be preferable, because the existing version is so old, it doesn't work with anything else either. But, I'll be damned if I'm going to spend money on a new Windows program at the store. Fuck a bunch of that.

I had a target for today's angry letter, but the cunt I sat next to this morning deserves one first.

Dear Lady-On-The-Train-With-Rude-Elbows,

Excuse me. Um...do you think you could not keep jabbing me with your effing elbows, please? I mean, once, twice ~ that I could understand. It's a crowded train. But, consistently for a whole thirty minutes?! You've got to know that you're doing it, unless you have so much disregard for the people around you. So, you want to hilight your stupid book on the train, huh? Well, hows about I hilight the inside of your colin with that thing? Hello, there's someone sitting here! Yeah, right next to you there's a time-bomb of a woman with a boiling hot desire to clobber someone just ticking away in the seat beside you. And what do you do?! You keep effing poking me!! I cannot abide your apparent lack of respect for my personal space. You're lucky I don't just push you off the end of the seat and let you cram your pointy little head into the crotch of that fat guy standing in the isle. Oh, but I couldn't stop there. Once my feet made contact with your brittle bones, I couldn't resist the urge to keep stomping and stomping until they'd need dental records to I.D. your body. So, this is what you get:

I hereby call upon the divine powers of my ancient Greek ancestors and summon the anger of my cursed Gypsy blood to rain down upon you the following devine retribution:

May the smoldering ends of a thousand lit cigars of a thousand careless men be pressed into your flesh until the smell of melting skin forever lingers in your sinuses.

Affectionately,

Neko

12.07.2006

Maybe This Will Hellp

As I walked around downtown this afternoon, my eyes were practically bulging with rage. I just can't seem to tolerate people lately. I swear, only about 10% of people out there don't make me want to gut them on the spot. I do try to find something to appreciate. Whether it's "That girl has a nice smile" or "I dig that guy's shoes", I try to find at least some miniature justification for their life on Earth. How dare I presume, right? It's the fact that I know I'm being a psycho about it that keeps me from trying to slaughter the masses. Of course, the minute anyone tries talking to me, I'm all peaches and cream. It's just your garden-variety urge to slap a moron silly, magnified through the lens of a maddening nicotine craving.

And I was doing just fine this morning. I was relaxing and appreciating how it feels to be free from the shackles of addiction. I was breathing the fresh air and humming sweetly to myself, ala Snow White. Oh well. I've managed to hold out this long. Why not go for the long haul? That was my intention in the first place, but the further I get along this road, the easier it is. I did, however succomb to a half glass of wine last night. Oh, and a quarter package of Dark Chocolate M&Ms. And I did spend fifty bucks on a USB Flash drive that I can't seem to get to work. So, I phuqed up all over the place, except for the cigarette department. I did learn that having a drink still makes it harder to avoid the tobacco, so I guess I need to keep away from it for the time being.

Maybe (I'm thinking) that writing letters to all of the assholes I see everyday would help me release some of the boiling hostility within. Isn't that what shrinks recommend? I'd ask mine if I wasn't avoiding her because I owe her money. Here's the first of many:

Dear Mr. Spit-On-The-Sidewalk Guy;

Wow, that was attractive. I just can't tell you how hot I get when I see a man shoot a loogie onto the pavement. What the Hell makes you think that it's alright to just go ahead and spit there? Is it some kind of "man" thing? I hardly ever see women do that. Is there some kind of macho creed out there that says "because I have a dick, I can pollute the world with my disgusting expactorate"? Do you think the rest of us enjoy walking on your spit? Don't you think that maybe you're spreading your germs all over the place and maybe the spread of the flu and things like that might be reduced a little less if you didn't fucking spit right out on the fucking sidewalk???!!!! If you absolutely, positively, have to spit, find a trash can, a tissue, a handkerchief, an ashtray, a sink, a fur coat, or some other sicko's mouth to do it in. When I see guys like you, I only get one impression. That impression is, "What an ignorant, unattractive, inconsiderate, vile, fucking moron."

I hereby call upon my ancient Greek powers of divine retribution and my cursed Gypsy blood to rain down upon you the following punishment.

May you be tied naked inside a bathtub, filled with the spit of a thousand homeless men.

Yours Truly,

Neko.

...the Hell?

What the eff?!

There is truly some weird shit on the internet.

12.06.2006

Counting the Hours In Hell

As you can see by the counter to the right, it's been some time since I had a smoke. I still haven't touched a single solitary cigarette. I haven't touched a drop of booze either. Doing alright so far, if I say so myself. It's really hard when my brother sits down next to me on the couch with a lit cigarette in his hand. I can smell it, and although it's not a particularly pleasant smell, it makes the craving worse. My alergies are going crazy now as well. Normally, my nasal passages are so coated with tar and ash that the allergens can't get through. Now that I'm not pumping my system full of smoke regularly, the protective coating of crap has melted away. So, I sneeze. And my eyes water. Fun.

I had thought that I warned people to stay away from me. I remember specifially mentioning that I was planning to quit smoking and to quit drinking and that I likely wasn't going to be in the best possible mood. People never listen. And so they're going to piss me off and I'm going to snap and somehow it will all be my fault. Bastards. Last night I was rummaging around in my boxes, trying to find my Sublime CD and I was cussing and swearing like I had a bad case of Turrets (I know that's probably not the correct spelling). My dad just had to come down and ask what I was doing. Let me ask this: if you saw a wild wolverine that was showing signs of rabies infection, would you go up to it and ask it questions? I should hope not.

I was trying to fix my brother's computer too, and it was really, really, REALLY trying my ability to control myself. I was SO close to putting my fist through that fucking monitor. I wanted to grab the damn disc tray and rip it out of the damn housing and stomp on it until it was unrecognizable. Grrrr!!!! How do I manage to keep my temper?? Years and years of suppression.

12.05.2006

My First Day in Hell

Ok...breathe...fheh, fheh.
Relax those muscles....whhh, whhh.
Fight urge to kill....haah, haah.

It has now been exactly 30hours and 40minutes since my last cigarette. I managed to ride in a car and hang out last night with two people smoking. I didn't ask for a toke, or nothin'! When I got home, there was one, unsmoked cigarette (my Dad's) resting, one end propped up on the rim of a clean ashtray, gleaming, white, mocking. It grinned its addiction smile across the kitchen counter directly at a half empty bottle of wine.

The hippo on the label of the Fat Bastard 2004 Shiraz winks back a French wink at the stogie. It grins as well. It wouldn't be nearly as tempting if it were a full bottle of wine. As it is though, it's like a task incomplete. It's the 299th and 300th gems in level 6 of Spyro that still haven't been collected. That's okay though. I know it's waiting and I know it's going to wait, right there, until January.

I didn't touch the cigarette. I didn't touch the vino. I am a model of will-power!

The only blunders last night were financially and nutritionally and even they weren't horrible. I went and saw Turistas with Silver, Shenry's cousin (I'll let him give her a nick name), and Poland. As usual, my phone crapped out during the day and I had to walk to Shen's house with the same uncertainty as I do every Thursday - will someone be home, or will I have to trot my happy-ass back through the ghetto again? So, I was uncertain as to what time we were to see the movie, etc. So, I didn't eat on the way there.

By the time we got to the theatre, I was starved. I got myself a hot pretzel with cheese. First of all, just as with everything else at the movies, I got reamed on the price. Secondly, I don't know how it's possible to screw up a hot pretzel, but this one was fucked. Third, "Nacho Cheese" isn't the healthiest thing in the world. It's likely not even vegitarian. Eeesh.

To sum up, I shouldn't have spent the dough for that dough. I can't say I regret spending money on the flick though.

12.04.2006

Decembre Con El Diablo in El Inferno

This month, I am attempting to make up for all that procrastinating during the rest of the year. On January 1st, 2006 I made reservations, New Year's Reservations. I haven't accomplished dick in the past 11 months, so December is crack-down month! There's still a chance I can beat some of those goals. So, starting this morning, I have begun a laundry list of activities:

I'm going to quit smoking - cold turkey.
I'm going to quit drinking - until January.
I'm going on a diet - until my weight gets back down.
I'm not spending any money - except on food and gas.
I'm beginning to sketch out an exercise routine.

Just to keep myself on task, I've got to report in to Little Tragedies, fully confessing any breaches of this contract, in order to hold myself accountable on a daily basis. It's probably a good idea to stay out of my way for a while. I'm not liable to be very pleasant company. Already, I'm going cross-eyed with nicotine cravings. The first person who bumps into me on the bus this afternoon will have their eyes clawed out, details at 9.