Perpetual Hell

I am miserable. I know I'm always going on about how terrible life is, blah blah blah. In truth, things are going much better than they were a few years ago and a few years before that were even worse. Sometimes it's hard to see how miserable you are until you're out of a situation. I once dated a guy who liked throw me around the apartment. I thought I'd die without him. Well, I tried to commit suicide, the hospital made me take some pills, and I finally gained some perspective and cut the asshole loose. "Damn," I thought, "How could I have lived like that?" Well, I eventually met another, even worse asshole, but that's another story.

The story now is that I'm dissatisfied with life, or more what I'm doing with my own life. Some things are going to change soon, which may make existence more bearable. I'm moving in a few days - into an apartment with another girl. The whole change of surroundings and the effort it will take to move all of my crap and settle in will distract me for a bit. I'll be excited to have new things to explore and new people to hang out with. But, I know the novelty will wear off and I'll be back to where I am now.

You see, I've always had a problem with staying in one place for very long. Wanderlust - I has it. I've been working in the same neighborhood for the past 3 years. I've eaten at every restaurant and shopped in every shop within walking distance. I'm so incredibly sick of seeing the same damned things every damned day! I also never wanted to come back to this effing state. I was born here and moved away as fast as I possibly could. But, heinous circumstances sucked me back to this place. It's not the worst place to live in the world, but I still loathe it.

Next month, my mother is going on a trip to Greece with her friend. Fucking bitch. I've had a tour book for Greece, that I've gazed at fondly for years. My ancestry is actually Greek, hers is not. Now that I'm so down and out that I can barely move out of my parents' house, she decides it's a good time to jet off. Couldn't she have picked Siberia? Bitch. I'm so jealous, I almost wish they have a horrible time. Last night, I watched Y Tu Mama Tambien. It was all about taking off down the road in Mexico and going beach hopping (well, that's not what the point of the movie was, but...). I want a job where I can travel! I feel so trapped sometimes that I can't breathe! Seriously. I have panic attacks when I think about it too much. I feel trapped and running out of time.

So, how can I fix this?