My Body Has Gone to Hell

I have a fat ass.
I've got panty-lines.
I need my hair trimmed.
and my roots dyed.
My grey hairs are starting to show again.
My big, fat belly sticks out from under my shirt like the spawn of Satan is growing inside me.
It's not.
Maybe then I'd have an excuse.
The dark circles under my eyes are getting wrinkled.
I have zits.
I can't see far enough down to paint my toenails accurately.
Did I mention the gross belly fat? Effin disgusting.
My tits are barely detectable.
My fingernails are broken and split.
Some guy jumped out of an alley this morning and beat me savagely with The Ugly Stick (tm).
My elbows are boney.
My thighs have expanded.
My teeth are yellow.
My breath smells like coffee and cigarettes.
I have excessive ear wax.
My feet smell worse than my breath.
Is it any wonder I haven't gotten laid in forever?