Hell On Wheels

You see, this is why I own an SUV:

It's not because it gets great gas mileage (ha, ha).
It's not because I'm a soccer mom (you know I'm not).
It's not because I love the open road (I'd rather fly).

And let's just set aside the fact that it was free.

The reason I own an SUV is something I like to call "Urban Off-Roading". Just yesterday, I "flipped a bitch" in the middle of a two lane road. It required that I drive up onto the sidewalk for about 20 feet. Just after that sweet maneuver, I plowed down some suburban landscaping in the neighboring yuppified strip mall. Every time I pull up to the liquor store, I leave tread marks on the curb.

On the back of my out-dated gas guzzler, I have several bumper stickers, which read the following:

"I hate everyone, please make a note of it."
"Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver"
"Same nightmare, different day."
and a Happy Tree Friends beaver that says, "Be Afraid".

Dangling from the rearview, I have a small collection of air freshners:

Devil girl with a martini in hand (my brother says it reminds him of me)
Black Cat (ala Emily The Strange) that says, "Bad Kitty"
Devil Kitty surrounded in flames reads, "Devil"

none of which do any actual "air freshening" anymore.

On the dash is a sleek black kitty bobble-head.
Flames on the seat cover. Flames on the steering wheel.

You bet it's one bad-ass ride! So, when I cut you off in traffic to the uber decible screams of My Chemical Romance and a hand from the window gives you the "one finger wave", just smile and say, "I know that chick."