Hell Makes Neko Bitchy

If there's one art that I've cultivated within myself, it's the art of criticism. I carefully assemble my opinions and then give them freely. Some may call this "bitching", but whatever name it bears, it's a trait that I value. Recently, I have come across several subjects that I'd like to bitch about. Not only bitch, but protest and write letters about. I like reviews and giving reviews. Two subjects on my mind may just give birth to their own webpages or blogs in the near future.

Product reviews can be very valuable. I firmly believe in getting what you paid for, and so if I've been ripped off, I like to share the information in order to protect others from the same fate. I also like to prevent the bastards that ripped me off from making money. So, without further ado, here are the two topics of today's rant:

Topic #1: On the Border Mexican Grill

Those scurvy, scheister, bastards!!! I will never again willingly visit this establishment. People are going to get letters about this one. Stand away from my fiery laser eyes of doom!! I'm furious. Here's the story:

I went with Spike and his family Tuesday afternoon for lunch to OTB. Immediately upon hearing the name of our destination, I was leery. Would they have anything suitable for vegetarian consumption? The answer, it turned out, was a resounding NO (with echoplex effect)! On their menu, there are a microscopic selection of non-meaty dishes. Spike and I both ended up with the "build your own" items. I had two spinach-mushroom enchiladas (I will check spelling in my official letter to management). The dish comes with two sides. However, the pinto beans and the fried rice contain animal byproducts. All except one of the sauces contained meat products. That one sauce is the queso sauce. Thankfully, the waitress was familiar with these facts and helpfully warned us against the other options.

The meal arrives. Quite honestly, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that my meal was taken out of a box and thawed in the microwave before making it's way to my table. The "queso" was hardly more than Velveeta with a few freeze-dried tomatoes. The mushrooms were obviously canned. My iced tea was even served in a dirty plastic cup! I'm thoroughly disgusted both with the fact that I had so few choices on the menu and with the fact that what I did end up ordering was so very poorly executed. (It should have been executed via firing squad)

Although I was not effected negatively by the service, other people in our party seemed to be. I saw one person's meal taken back twice for adjustments. Fortunately, I didn't have to foot the bill, but that doesn't make me any less angry. If you happen to be vegetarian as well, steer well clear of On The Border, my friend. I promise that you'll be horribly disappointed if you don't.

Just to be fair, here's their website. Check out what a shitty menu they have. Go ahead.

As an alternative, search for a link to a place called the Watercourse. It's my favorite eatery of late.

Topic #2: Ultraviolet the Movie

I rented this movie because someone told me it was good. That's the last time I take advice from my illiterate, retarded step-brother. I've had a bad run, lately, of making terrible movie choices when Spike and I visit the video store. I think that he's lost faith in me and my cinematic taste. Anyway, Ultraviolet rates low in the depths of crappy film. The script was absolutely appalling. The dialogue might have been written by a 12 year old with head trauma. The acting was weak, to say the least, although this might be attributed to the tragic script writing. The action choreography was equally pathetic. The only thing I can say for the action, is that it pointed out why it's a bad idea to form a circle of gangsters around the character you are intending to shoot. Spike pointed out that whoever designed the costume and props obviously had a hard-on for Steven Spielberg.

There are only two areas in which Ultraviolet could have actually sought to redeem itself. Number one is Mila Jovovich. She's hot, period. I don't care what moronic cesspool of shit she's cast in, she's just plain hot. If you're a Mila fan, just mute the movie and watch only the scenes with her. Number two is set and costume. Throughout the movie, Mila is constantly changing the color of her hair and outfit. It's neat on the scale of the nailpolish in Total Recall. Also, the sets are well done and fun to look at. They are colorful, geometric and just nifty.

If I had to rate this film on a five-star scale, I'd award it only one gold sticker. If you want action and Mila together, you're much better off with The Fifth Element or Resident Evil.

That's it for now, but look out. More ranting and bitching are yet to come. I promise.