Energy Burning in Hell

Now that the warmer weather is upon us, I think it’s time to crack open a Samuel Adams Summer Ale and start my bitchy rant about the riduculous amount of energy people waste during this season. All around the neighborhood, I see people wasting energy and causing pollution where it’s completely unnecessary. And, being the enviroslut that I am, I’ve decided to let readers in on a little 411. Following are some tips, along with the usual ridicule, for solving a good portion of your sunny weather problems.

Do you use a gas powered mower to trim your grass? You’re a pussy. Think you’re a real man with your John Deer riding tractor-mower? No. You want a way to cut the lawn while holding a beer and chuckling to yourself about how easy it all is? I say again ~ you’re a pussy. A real man will go out and get one of those old-fashioned non-gas man-powered trimmers. You know, the ones with the twisty blades that you just push back and forth? (I’ll find a picture if I have to) That’s the one. These suckers build muscles, don’t pollute the air, and don’t use gas or electricity. It’s all you, baby. That’s the way to get the lawn done! What’s that you say? You don’t have time to pick up the trimmings? You don’t have time to waste on an envirofriendly solution? Well, I’ve got a quick answer to your miserable whining. I’m sure every neighborhood has a few teenage boys looking to make a quick buck. Knock one of them off their skateboard and offer them 5 bucks and a brewski to do the labor. The amount you pay them will be miniscule compared to what you’re spending on gas, oil and maintenance for the machine you’re using now. Sell that sucker at a garage sale and there’s more money in your pocket.

Better yet, if you just don’t want to deal with the grass at all, put in some native plants. It’s called xeroscaping and it saves tons on water. There are loads of flowering bushes and ornamental grasses that live naturally in your climate. They’re pretty, attract butterflies and don’t need fertilizer or more than the area’s natural rainfall. Add some mulch to keep the weeds down. Viola!

Now, if you live in suburbia, you’ve probably got another device or two that waste energy in your garage. What about the gas-powered leaf blower? If you have one, you’re a pussy. They make rakes for a reason. It doesn’t take so much more time to go ahead and rake up the remnants of fall lingering in your yard. If you pack those suckers into the trash when you’re done, your neighbors won’t be so pissed. Yes, that’s the reason they’ve been screaming and shaking their fists. That, and the fact that you let your dog crap on their petunias. If it’s time you lack, see above. Electric weed trimmer? Same deal, ya freakin’ pussy. If you’re a chick, you shouldn’t be mowing the damn lawn anyway. Your job is to bitch endlessly about why the yard isn’t done yet or, better yet, get your ass out there and pull weeds. He’ll like the way you get all sweaty out there with your ass up in the air (and so will the neighbors). Put on some sexy cut-offs, like the ones I’m wearing now (Daisy Duke had something right), tie your hair up, slip on your J-Lo shades (every girl has a pair) and get down on your hands and knees.

Do you run your air-conditioner non-stop in July? You live in the Rockies and you think it’s hot?! You’re a pussy. Nothing’s hot until you drive through New Mexico when it’s 105 degrees and your piece of crap car has no A/C. Even then, you can smoke a joint and the weather is suddenly tolerable. Just make sure you have water. While you’re away at your job, there’s no reason the apartment has to be 60 degrees. Turn that sucker on (if you must) only when you’re home. And if you’re SO much of a pussy that you can’t wait for the temperature to drop after you arrive, get a timer so that it kicks on about an hour before you plan to return. Hey, if it’s hot in your apartment and the fan isn’t helping and the open windows aren’t helping, you have the perfect excuse for a naked party! Mix up some magaritas, call up some sexy bitches and get your Spring fling on! You can even rub ice cubes on each other to keep cool. Mmm…now let’s see ya complain.

Oh no! It’s 90 degrees and you have to go to the store. Do you hop into your Exploder and burn some energy to traverse the few blocks to the liquor store, to pick up tequila for your naked party? No, you pussy! Walk! Is it too far to walk? They make these things called bicycles. They have 2 wheels, a pair of handlebars, and some pedals. Some of them even have a water bottle holder, Ooooooh! Work some of that flabby ass off and bike to the store. It takes me 5 minutes to walk to Albertsons, Wild Oats, Hollywood Video, Conoco, Petsmart and Kohls. And, I don’t even live in a large metropolitan area. I get a nice tan, a few calories melted and enough time alone to get my head together. Of course I sweat, but they make this stuff called deodorant too. Take a bottle of water (most cities don’t let you on the streets with open beer bottles), your new iPod, and hike a mile or so. If you live way out in Bennet, support a family, and need to do grocery shopping, it’s a different story. But, you can still fill the fridge for a whole month so you don’t have to make the trip to Sam’s Club so often. Do some other things while you’re joining the rest of us in civilization. Or, shop on your way home from your coporate job in the city. Less gas means more money for munchies to keep your Halo-junkie fueled for his next mission.

That’s about all for this episode. I’ve got to get back out there and weed the side yard. I’m sure I’ll get more inspiration from the morons on my block. Until then, think about the environment, your wallet, and how much sexy fun you can have in the Summer!