The Hell I'm Living

Money Hungry. The 1995 edition of Webster’s College Dictionary has no definition of this term. In common usage, I believe it describes someone who hoards cash or who strives only for monetary gain. I think another definition is in order; A person or persons who desperately desire funding. That would, of course, apply to myself.

With ten dollars and change left in the bank, zero dollars in cash, one eighth of a tank of gas and no employment prospects, my life has hit a low point. Now, it’s not nearly at its lowest point; I’ve been much further down than this. At least I have a home and food and parents to beg money from should I not be able to stretch myself to the next paycheck. Not as low as I could be, but definitely feeling that I should be doing much better. Tomorrow is my father’s birthday, and my uncle’s, since they’re twins. I have absolutely nothing to give. That makes me feel pretty shitty. I can fashion a card and a coupon booklet out of the craft supplies I have in the house. I can use the last of what I have to buy ingredients for a nice, home-cooked dinner. That, and a long distance phone call, are going to have to cut it. That’s the best I can do for now.

Dangerously nearing “the big three-o” and being in the position that I’m in has made me think lately. It’s made me think really hard about what the Hell I’m doing with my life and where I should be by now. Yes, I’ve had some major setbacks. I’ve gotten married, divorced, survived an attempt on my life, overcome drug addiction, been through an intense legal drama, moved across the country twice, had countless relationships (and countless break-ups), been in the hospital twice and reunited with my estranged family member. That’s a load of shit to handle. But, the time has passed when I could have used any of that as an excuse. It’s been almost two years now that I’ve been under my father’s roof. I should be old enough and experienced enough to be following a much more prosperous path in life.

Let me share some of the conclusions and resolutions that I’ve arrived at. Monday morning (it’s here already, isn’t it?), I’ve got to stop dragging my feet and step up the job hunt. That one’s a no-brainer. No more Harvest Moon for me until I have found employment. That includes revamping my approach to the Passion Parties gig. There are a million things that I’ll wish I’d gotten to when I start working again, and, “I should have spent more time playing video games” is not an idea that I think I’ll have. After I’ve done what I can each day to hunt for jobs, I have to sift through my old things and clear out some of the cobwebs. I don’t need all of those reminders anymore. That’s one thing.

The next stage is to severely circumcise my spending. If I can start earning regular pay, I need to be saving it, hoarding it, investing it. Did you know that I have absolutely no investments? At my age, any savvy individual would have something socked away or something growing. Not me though, I’ve been pissing everything away! (but, berating myself won’t get me anywhere) I need to pull out those 401(k) documents from my old job and see what needs to be done to take care of that. It’s not much, but it’s a start. This way, next time I find myself without work, I won’t be so desperate and low-down. I’ve got to remember what it was like to have nothing at all and ensure that it won’t happen again. (Remember, Neko. This time, you should remember.)

It is absolutely imperative that I change my current living situation. There’s been more than enough time for me to recover from the damage that’s been done to my life. Well, maybe not recover completely, but at least move on to better things. I received some bad news last week about my previous plans to relocate. The girl I was supposed to share quarters with has decided to back out of our little plan. I see now that I’d been relying on that for too long. It’s clear that I’ve got to take control of things and be more “pro-active” with that aspect of my future. So, part of finding work, saving money and clearing out the trappings of my former life will be steps toward that objective.

It’s not so much that I think readers of Little Tragedies will be interested or even care about my plans and my current conditions. This blog is still what it was intended to be initially. That is, a resting place for my thoughts and a record of my footsteps through this twisted existence. Anything else is just a curious side effect. When I lived all alone in The South, I kept a paper journal of my travels. I used to sit alone in restaurants and scribble my thoughts down in notebooks. Most of the time, my entries were about the food I was eating or the people who were around me. Most of the time, I did it just to keep myself company. During a portion of that time, I had no one to talk to except my cat. I felt like a ghost drifting through that old town. No one looked at me, spoke to me, or acknowledged my existence in any way.

When I go back and re-read those meandering notes, I find myself admiring that young Neko. She was a person who did things completely independent of anyone else. She had a certain strength of character. She had a certain depression-fueled creativity. She was beginning to discover something. That growth was stunted by a series of events and I feel that I could have learned something more. In a way, sometimes I wish I could go back to that place in time. I could have saved myself from so much of the Hell I’ve been through. I’d be a completely different person from who I am now. But, I can’t go back and in a way, that’s a good thing. What my life has been to this point has made me wiser and more resourceful. I’m terribly scarred, naturally. What is it I always tell people about scars? “They’re darn cool” Wait, that wasn’t it…”They show that you’ve been through some shit.” Yes, that’s the one.