5.11.2005

The Bathroom in Hell

The Ladies' room at work isn't generally so bad. There are flowers, lotion and an air freshner that despenses perfumed air in timed disbursements. Normally, there are plenty of stalls and you can use the handicapped sink so you don't have to hold down the hot and cold when you want to wash your hands.

All in all, restrooms here aren't so bad on the scale of public facilities. But, every once in a while, there's someone else in the room. One of my biggest annoyances is having to share the restroom! There's the fat lady, who doesn't feel the need to stifle the panting and grunting sounds she makes and she tries to haul her ass onto the seat. Then, there's the skinny girl with the bad attitude who zooms on by the sink and doesn't even pretend to wash her hands. Anyone who doesn't wash their hands after using the commode should be shot. No trial, No jury - straight to execution!! Thirdly, there is the chatty middle-aged woman who doesn't give a thought to privacy or the delicacy of the situation and wants to talk to you from the other side of the stall. Finally, there is one handicapped woman in my office. She is in a wheelchair. Aside from yeilding the handicap-code-compliant amenities, I am always at an embarassed and awkward loss when it comes to helping this person. I mean, should I try to hold the door open, should I offer assistance in some way, should I talk to her? Every time I've encountered her, I don't speak and merely flail my arms about in an effort to signal both my willingness to help and reluctance to interfere.

One last complaint about the stalls themselves. The seat is almost always wet. This creeps me out almost enough to buy a few bottles of Purell and carry them around with me. I can never tell if the wetness is due to lack of aim on someone's part or the flush-backlash kicking water back up on the seat. If it's not backlash, it's in entirely the wrong area. Why do they even offer those paper seat liner thingies? If the seat is wet, fluid is going to soak up through the flimsy material anyway. Are they meant inspire some sort of false security in the user. It's not as if they're going to block moisture, STDs or anything basically. Are they even sanitary?

It's all I can do to keep from having a panic attack every time I round that corner.

1 comment:

shenry said...

Ah, bathroom etiquette... you know, you should write a bathroom etiquette essay and post it here for general comment. After you've hammered out all the little details, you can then post it on the inside of the stall doors... so people can read it whilst take a dump.

I have a one-legged guy here at work. He uses crutches. Every time I bump into him in the bathroom I go through the same mental debate that you do. Occasionally, he'll make weird out-of-the-blue comments about his stump leg. I never know how to respond. Is he trying to lighten the mood? Should I joke about it? Is he looking for sympathy? Should I weep for him? ... I just don't know.