I feel like total shit today. I just got out of bed about a half hour ago and I'm surprised I made it. I think the sole reason I made the decision to face the world today was the list of items on my Anne Taintor calendar. Most of them won't be accomplished, but there is one important one that requires immediate attention. I've got to call in to claim my unemployment benefits. I'm totally depressed. I suppose that's what Neko gets when Neko refuses to take her meds.
Sure, it sounds like I'm totally dependent on these pills. To an extent, that's true. Let me put it this way. If you've got depression and you take meds to aid your condition, they offer a sort of safety net. I still have emotions, I still get bummed out, but these white tablets make it so that I'm not as likely to plummet and carve up my flesh. Since the age of 13, blades have been my weapon of choice. That's always been my method - cutting. You just need one look at my wrists to know that. Another thing about taking anti-depression meds is that when you "come down" your mood doesn't go from "alright" to "normal". It goes from "alright" and swings drastically in the opposite direction to "totally f*ed up". That's how I feel right now.
One thing that never, ever fails to happen when I skip the pills is that I dream of the ex-bastard. I have never skipped and not had nightmares. That's one reason I feel like Hell today. Most of my PTSD symptoms have subsided and I'm coping remarkably well. But, whenever I fall asleep unmedicated, I dream that he's after me again. Not f*ing cool! I think it's been 2 days since I remembered my meds. Well, I just took them and damn the upset stomach and jumpy nerves. Glad I decided not to just curl up and weep all day. I could still get something done.
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