My depression has been flaring up again. Saturday, it tried really hard to crush me. Today it's come back for a visit, but a little less strong. I'm dealing. I just feel like everything sucks today. Sure there could be many causes. Not going to jump off a bridge or anything, but no free smiles either.
Could it be because of Friday's "date"? I went out after work with the married cutie from the coffee shop. Let's call him "Mr. Grey" for the purposes of this blog. For starters, he's not actually married yet. He's engaged to a girl from another country who is apparently moving here in a month. He spent a good deal of time telling me about how great she is. He also felt the need to tell me that just about 4 weeks ago, the two of them had been "exploring other options" and seeing other people, but that they'd decided to stick together. That's just what I needed to hear, by the way. We had a few drinks at happy hour. I didn't know quite what to say, so I just let him babble on for a while. This guy can really talk up a storm.
After drinks, we met up with a couple of his friends (both of them terribly unattractive). They ate burgers. Juicy ones. I almost hurled. Then Mr. Grey and I went out to a late buffet at an Indian place. The two of us have much in common and he seems to have a head on his shoulders. The whole time, I had two things on my mind. One - gosh, he's really attractive. Two - why the hell is he hanging out with me? Weird. Towards the end of the night, his conversation took on a bit of a condesending tone. Maybe because he knows I'm attracted to him and I can't have him. Maybe because I expressed my envie at his well-travelled past. Whatever it was, I didn't like it. He dropped me off at the end of the night at my friend's apartment and that was all. Nothing terribly exciting, I know.
At several points I had a really, really strong wave of deja vu. It was really uncanny and a bit unsettling. I don't know what that was about.
But, Mr. Grey can go jump off a bridge for all I care. He's not the cat's meow and a bag of kitten chips. The more I think about it, the more I sort of resent his company that night. Whatever. I just don't have the energy or the desire to date anyone anymore. Nobody I meet seems to be A - worth it or B - available. So, done.
Could my depression be, in part, due to a situation some friends are dealing with lately? I'm not at liberty to discuss who or what is going on with them, but it seems to be absorbing much of my thought. It's not something I should stick my nose into, but it's been bothering me from the first moment I heard about it. I'd like to offer them both my friendship and support, but I really don't feel like I'm helping any. I don't know what to do about it. Since it's really not my deal, I guess I should just be there when needed and not dwell on the subject. But, it's really disturbing me. I hope that things work out for the best.
Could I be depressed because I'm hanging out at a friend's place while they're on vacation? The onset seems to coincide with that as well. I'm watching Random's place while she's trekking around the country with her hubby and two tots in tow. It's giving me a little taste of living on my own again. So, am I depressed because there's nobody to talk to, or because I realize how much my usual living situations sucks? Sigh.
Yeah, so.....what was the whole point? The point is that there is no point.
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